So it's been a week since I did my talk at Artemis Gathering and I kinda feel like everything is beginning to sink in a bit. Not just the various talks and workshops I attended over the weekend but the talk I presented myself.
I gave the talk based on my own experiences, based on advice I would give anyone who is on their path and feeling lost. I have practical tips on where to go, what to do and at times just let people know that they are not alone. "Not all those who wander are lost", I said, it's something that has stuck with me for a while.
Now we can all be our own worst critic, so it might not surprise you to learn that my feelings about myself and my self worth on terms of the craft are pretty low. I don't know where these thoughts come from, whether it's due to not feeling like I belong in groups or because I don't feel that i have had enough education or learning. I'm sure these are feelings we've all had somewhere along our paths, feeling that we're not good enough. I'm pretty sure these feelings plagued me while I was doing my talk.
Part of my talk was saying about how I felt like a fraud and how I felt like one presenting the talk and giving advice. I don't follow my own advice. I had so many people coming up to me after the talk saying how much it's helped them or how much they connected with it. People were taking things away from what I said, but it's all things that I should be telling myself, things that I should be following myself. And I think that a little bit of it has begun to sink in.
For the first time tonight I truly felt comfortable on my path. I know that I don't do what other people do, I know that I do not work in the same ways and that at times my celebrations can be a bit, lacking. But for me it's perfect. There's nothing to stop me going on and developing it later (again, advice from my own talk), and I will, I know I will.
I had an important lesson come to me at the end of my talk in the form of one of the people who attended. It was to simply trust. It is something I know I do not do. I was told that I "have the knowledge" and if I just learn to trust then great things will come. But perhaps, perhaps the fact that I am feeling more comfortable with my path I am beginning to trust. It's a long road, it's a part of my path that I think I knew deep down I would need to face eventually, to trust and to believe.
The lesson came to me again at Barbara's workshop on Walking with the Ancestors, I had to say a blessing on an ancestral plate, I said what I thought I should have said before uttering the words "I don't know what else to say." Barbara told me to close my eyes, not to think and to speak purely from the heart. And I did. What came out I do not remember but I recall that it was more emotional and far more honest than what I had said before. I had to trust that I had the words in there, I still have to trust that the words are in there, that the magic is inside of me,that the advice I give others also applies to me, that I am worthy and capable and that I am not a fraud.
So I am comfortable with where I am and I trust that I will remain this way, I trust that all the things I have whirling around my head right now are going to come to fruition, that the knowledge I have can be imparted on others and that I can achieve what I want to achieve. I trust in my path, I trust in the God and Goddess that they are doing what is right for me, I trust that they have their own lessons to teach me when the time is right and that I will follow them.
There was a chant in Barbara's work shop "I am a wise woman, I am a strong woman", I'm beginning to believe that. I just have to trust.