Questioning Everything....again

If you had asked me this time last month what path I followed, I would have told you that I did not know, but that I was fairly certain that it wasn't Wicca and that I was leaning towards some other path. Ask me now, and I'd tell you I don't know.

As per my previous posts you will be aware that I was at the Gathering in the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside this past weekend, and at this event I attended a lot of different talks and events. A lot of what I attended were rituals. Not through my own accord, it just so happened to be the talks I went to ended up being ritual based. Through the rituals I felt a connection, something deep down inside was feeling comfortable and at home. Most of these rituals were Wicca based, though not all, but I felt at home almost. I loved seeing them performed properly by people who knew what they were doing. It's not something I've really been able to witness.

So am I Wicca? I don't know. I'm certainly willing to consider it again, I'm going to focus on some of the books that are recommended reading when following a Wicca based path, see if I feel it still feels as good as it did when the rituals were performed in the field.

I guess practice might be good too, work towards the general rituals - take what I can from solitary books or adapt group ones. I'm going to re-re-read Scott Cunningham's Wicca and go from there.

The other thing that I had started to consider was the notion of covens. I don't know if I could work within a coven, I think I am too stubborn and independent, but the thought intrigued me and it might be something I'll entertain in the future. If not a coven then certainly check out the moot that's near by, I need some form of connection beyond the internet, I think.

These new notions of mine, however, will help me with another idea I have. I want to plan out and hold some talks on Children of Artemis' SecondLife Sim based on Finding a Path. I wrote an article which I sent to them for their magazine, Witchcraft and Wicca. I don't feel like I know enough on any other subject but I might be able to help on this aspect and to let people know not to jump at one path and hope it fits, but to take the time.  Going back to Wicca just shows that I didn't necessarily take the appropriate time to consider it, or at least didn't have enough experience to think it might be the right path. Either way, I'm looking forward to starting to plan this out. Hopefully these classes will start on SecondLife by mid-September where, hopefully, they will get decent enough feedback to fuel the next part of my plan, but that bit is underwraps for now, and you'll need to wait to find out where I'm going with that.

So, old directions and new directions being head into, this is exciting for me and I'm sure it's just the beginning of what the aftermath of the Gathering has in store for me.

The Dark Goddess

I wanted to write a separate post for the Dark Goddess talk at the Gathering. This talk was far more involved than some I went to, it was also a longer session that the rest of the talks there. The talk was held at Witchfest in 2012 but she felt that a longer session would have benefited, and I have to say I’d agree.

By means of introduction, the Dark Goddess talk was held by Jane Meredith. She is Australian and apparently her talk was first heard at the Goddess Conference in Glastonbury where, thereafter, it became one of her most requested talks. To me the purpose of the Dark Goddess talks is to show that it’s alright for life not to go ok, that life isn’t all love and light and sunshine and roses and snowdrops on kittens or whatever else and that the Dark Goddess can have a profound effect on our lives but also that we can move on from the dark periods and come into light.

What I intend to write here is breakdown of the whole talk, some bits will be omitted which I will explain why when I get to them but it is largely a matter of confidentiality.

Jane welcomed us and went through a little bit about the Dark Goddess and her own experiences with working with her. She went into a bit about Inanna and a little bit about the other Dark Goddesses but thought that we’d spend most of the time in ritual.

I haven’t done loads of ritual, so I was jumping at the chance of anything, particularly new stuff and this was very new. So we started by invoking the Dark Goddess. We did this through lots of changing and invoking her by 4 names, Persephone, Kali, The Morrigan and Ereshkigal, the latter I had never heard of before today and need to look into. Once invoked we spoke a bit more, then we split into groups where we discussed the aspects of our lives where we felt that the Dark Goddess had been present. This is where I won’t go into detail in the name of confidentiality, but I will share my own.

What I shared with the group was that after I got married, happily so, I felt like I didn’t have much to look forward to. Ignoring the far future, the near future beyond my husband was looking bleak. I was stuck in a job I wasn’t happy in, I had no career prospects, and I got pretty depressed. I didn’t want to be where I was. I’m not going to lie, I don’t think those feelings have entirely gone, not by a long shot, but I’m working on them.

Then we looked at how we felt that we had overcome the dark aspects. I was honest, I said I didn’t think I had gone through it yet, but I was getting there and spirituality was one of the ways I felt was helping me cope.

After this we approached the Dark Goddess. We did this through another part of ritual where we walked symbolically into the underworld chanting:

“I am beneath the earth, I am inside of you,

You are in my heart, I am in yours too.”

We walked in a circle, clock wise, with a chair in the middle where the Goddess was to sit. During the walk we were, if we wanted to, to approach the chair in the middle and ask the Goddess a question we wanted help with. Then we were to sit in the chair as the Dark Goddess and view ourselves and listen to what she had to say, if anything. I’m not going to go into too much detail here again, on my part this time. But I did connect with her, and I got an answer, whether it was the one I was particularly looking for I don’t know, but it was an answer, I received it and it kinda went with everything else over the weekend in a roundabout way, but more on that later.

Once we had met the Dark Goddess, or made the decision not to, we were to walk in the opposite direction to mark us coming back up from the underworld.

Afterwords we bid farewell to the Dark Goddess very similarly the way we began.

It’s not very often that I feel opened up in a ritual; I think I still hold a degree of scepticism with regards to certain aspects of the occult. This weekend held a lot of interesting moments for me where I could feel the energy or the presence of something more, and this talk and ritual was one of them. I have no doubt that the Goddess was there listening to us and that the answer that came from within was from her. It’s made me interested in her dark side and to look into it more. I did buy Jane’s book on the same subject matter and I really look forward to reading it. I think I can connect with the Dark Goddess more than I thought.

Later in the evening, after my arrow breaking and firewalk, I thought bought to the Dark Goddess workshop. I thought of what I had offered up to the Goddess and noted how they were the same things I gave up to the fire in the ritual before the firewalk. A change has been spurred inside of me, and I know I am not the only one to feel the same. We all experienced a change, it’s a common theme in comments surrounding the event from both attendees and even those given the talks, the initiated, we all sensed something different.

I want to know where the future is going, I can tell that I am not going to be where I am this time next year, in what terms I can’t quite tell. But for now I’m comfortable being me, and wherever this fire magic takes me, I’m quite willing to go.

Artemis Gathering 9th-12th August 2013

It's been a while since I went near my blog, for various reasons but I'll go into them separately another time.

This past weekend I have been at the Artemis Gathering which is run by The Children of Artemis which holds a host of Workshops and Talks and events and its fab. This was my first year and I really didn't know what to expect, I had been to their other event Witchfest but I was told the Gathering was quite different.

The weekend got off to an interesting start when I ended up camping with friends Tom, Hannah, Hywell and Kevin. Kevin is a speaker at COA events and camping with him meant we ended up camping with some other speakers. Mostly initiated Wiccans who were really interesting and made for interesting listening for most of the weekend. They also ran the rituals that were heard at the event. That night was full of conversation, making friends early on and the beautiful music of Cephlalodidge and Damh the Bard. I'm already a massive fan of Damh and it was lovely seeing him play live again!

So the first day the first thing I attended was a talk on Oils, Incense and Brews. Not mediums I have really worked with beyond stick incense, but it was interesting. We got to make our own oils and after looking mine up I have noticed that their attributes are very relevant to an issue that I have at the moment, so that was a massive bonus. I've called it Artemis Oil after the weekend.

Next I went on a nature walk by Tylluan Penry. Now I am a massive fan of Tylluan's work, I have three of her books (although admittedly not all read), and I've gone to many of her talks in the past. The talk was interesting as she actually asked us what we would use individual plants for and pointed out that we don't all use them for the same things and that that is absolutely fine. There are, I'm sure, many who would disagree with that and that X plant has X attributes and that is that. Anything else is nonsense. She brought light and laughter to the talk too which was brilliant. I feel like I've learnt to open my eyes a bit more too!

Then came what was advertised as the opening ritual. It turned out that the opening ritual was the handfasting of Merlyn and Cath who run Children of Artemis. It was beautiful and I feel so blessed to have been included in the ceremony. It was overseen by Tam Campbell, a man I hold in high esteem as he damn well knows what he's talking about and is willing to help others. A lot of the speakers were involved in this as well and it was beautiful seeing them all come together. I wish Merlyn and Cath every happiness in their future and that the God and Goddess bless them many times over!

After a short break and vaguely listening to most of the ritual team again in Meeting the Witches I headed for three hours straight of Tylluan Penry. It made my bum most numb as I was sat on the ground but she had lots of interesting things to say from Magic for finding a Phallus and losing it again, writing and on creating a personal mythology. As ever I learnt lots from her and have bumped Stephen King's On Writing up my reading pile. I hope I have the opportunity to work with her in the future on writing and possibly a book.

The rest of the day was taken up with food, a burning dragon, a slight near injury experience, good company and a relatively early night and might have actually got some sleep too!

Sunday brought one of the best workshops for me. Jane Meredith spoke on The Dark Goddess and myths and how she can touch our lives. It was really really interesting and  I really enjoyed it. A lot of it was a doing workshop, and we connected with others and looked at the dark aspects from our past etc. It was very opening and trusting. We also came face to face with the Dark Goddess in another later part of the ritual. The dark aspect of the Goddess is not one I have worked with but I think I might as it's a really interesting look at another side of my spirituality and also at myself and the moments where I have actually probably come across her without knowing it and knowing I can connect with her to get out of those moments. I bought her book later on which was kindly signed for me, and I spoke with her and she is a lovely lady. I look forward to reading it. I will probably do a more in-depth blog on this workshop later.

After yet another break, unfortunately missing Kevin's talk on Energy Work Based Healing due to Hannah and Hywell leaving early I headed to Steven Ward's Intro to elemental ritual work. In that he did a brief talk and then we did a ritual of what was basically the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. It was interesting as I've never done one before, it was quick and easy and it was a really nice thing to do.

I went to another talk by Pandora who did the one on Oils, this one was on Talismans where we created our own. I'm not so happy with mine but I know I can make another one! The information was given to us in an easily readable format so will be working on this in the future.

After a dinner break was the closing ritual. Once again I really enjoyed this, being with people who are all on similar paths working towards one goal was beautiful. The woman who lead the ritual seemed a little nervous to begin with, I am guessing it was her first on such a large scale but she did it wonderfully. At the end of the ritual we were each given a crystal as a memento, we had done a spiral dance to put energy into it to take away it was was brilliant. I ended up with mine in my bra until about Monday night so it now has a lot of personal energy in it too.

Then was the one thing I really wanted to do and was really looking forward to. The Firewalk Workshop. It was run by Oona McFarlane, a lovely Scottish lady who I could really connect with. The only things I have seen about firewalks have involved a lot of mental preparation before hand in an almost self hypnosis kind of way. Now imagine by "delight" when Oona said she didn't do that and that yes, we would be walking over hot coals, not imagining that we're walking over cool wet grass. Gulp! The first part of the workshop was a bit of a talk about how she got into fire, then we had a walk up to start the fire and putting in it things we wanted to be rid of or putting love and joy into it. And I can tell you, that fire was hot!! We threw incense on it next for another part to work towards or to gain from the fire such as peace, knowledge etc. The incense was amazing and I'm definitely going to need to get the recipe! We headed back to the lodge where we had a bit of paper and wrote down our goals, our vision of what we would be walking towards as we crossed the coals. Then came the arrows. The arrows were something to break through, with our necks. It was an odd thing to watch but when I realised there was no harm to come from it, I went and broke my own arrow to overcome aspects I don't like about myself. Then we headed up to the fire. It had burnt away a lot by now, and as they raked the coals I kinda wondered what I was getting myself into. I wasn't even sure if I was going to do it at that point but when I saw a friends 12 year old daughter practically dance across, I thought "well, why not." I walked the coals three times. And I got such a buzz from doing it. Definitely doing it again next year!

The night was filled with more socialising and a very late night. In the end I got 4 hours sleep on the last night. I went home exhausted but full of so many memories and laughs, knowledge and enlightenment and spiritually awakened.

Only 88 days until Witchfest in November when I hope to meet many of the same friends again.

Witchfest 2012

This year saw me attending my second ever Witchfest. I wasn't sure what I was expecting this time around, I was going on my own for one, meeting people when I got there, both people I knew and didn't. I wasn't sure on the sessions I wanted to go to, and I was anxious that tiredness levels would come into it soon and that I'd have to go early which actually saddened me as I wasn't going to see Damh the Bard :(

Once again Witchfest was an experience that has left me feeling more knowledgeable in some aspects, though largely in aspects of myself. I know that I don't like the complications that can be found on the pagan path, I don't like the whole idea of ritual. It's only something I've ever done once in my life and I felt really awkward so I decided to not do it again. But then I didn't really know what else I should be doing and I never really took the time to sit and look at what I actually wanted to do and how I actually wanted to practice things.

My path kinda went stagnate. I go through so many phases where I feel witchy but I don't really know what it is I am actually after. I might have decided the core of my beliefs but I rarely practice anything and do feel somewhat foolish standing with my hands above my head...

So what I learnt this year was simplicity. I learnt that things don't have to be complicated. All I need for a spell is to raise some energy, charge a candle et voila. Done. I  learnt new ways of doing Magick by moving, largely based on group exercises but I found things in there I can implement myself, interesting ways of casting circles of raising energy and of doing things with kids...when the time comes. I found confidence within me in the latter workshop which was the Moving Magic one as I volunteered for things, I was in the class on my own with no one else I knew. I Volunteered to be a quarter at the dispelling of the circle and I really enjoyed it. Group working has always scared me, or at least the idea of it as I'd never done any group working until yesterday. I think because it wasn't a formal ritual with a huge altar and tools and what have I didn't feel too pressured that I was going to fuck something up.

I did witness a formal ritual, or as close to one as I'm going to get with the closing ritual to the festival. There were proper parts and concencrating and circle casting (kinda...) and blessings to be given and received. It was wicked and I really enjoyed it too. I have, however, been going around telling the Husband I can't do things because I am an anointed one. (I got anointed with oil as a blessing on the way out of the ritual) I don't think he's falling for it sadly.

So as with last year I bought me pretty things, I took £80 to the fest but I didn't end up spending it all oddly, although even odder was the fact I was struggling to spend it! So in the end I bought...

• Some Crystals: I bought Lavendar Quartz, Zebra Jasper, Mixed Tigers Eye, Blue Aventurine, Amegreen, Fire Agate, Blue Moss Agate, and Seftonite
• Damh the Bard's Antlered Crown and Standing Stone Album.
• Tylluan Penry's Staying on the Old Track,
• Spirit of Albion Movie (http://www.thespiritofalbionthemovie.com/)
• A Green Ceramic Leaf Bowl (www.etsy.com/shop/embervincent)
• A Book of Shadows (http://www.thewitchescottage.co.uk/)
• Two pairs of earrings, one Garnet and one Amethyst.

Pretty good haul I think :) Impressed everything and can't wait to get into my Book of Shadows and do work in it. I do feel a bit apprehensive with starting it as it's technically my first, although it's slightly imperfect so I'm going to try not to worry about messing it up!

Can't believe it's all over again for another year. I loved every minute of being there, of opening myself up again and being with friends. Roll on next year and the Artemis Gathering :)

The First Step

So this is a little later than I had anticipated, but I have finally re-read my first two books!

Since my initial blog on starting again I have managed to read Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner and Doreen Valiente's Natural Magic. The latter took a little longer to read than I would have liked due to time and other things going on but I finally managed to finish reading it. As I said, these were the first two books I ever read on Wicca and Witchcraft, and I find it easy to see where my beliefs fall within these two books. Firstly, my spirituality comes from Wicca, my belief in the God and Goddess I firmly believe I got from Mr Cunningham's works. What I got from Doreen is what I believe Magick should be. Although I believe she did have some form of ritual (though not evident in Natural Magick) everything seems to be far more back to roots and some serious old style magick.

Natural Magic looks to folklore, old correspondences and old beliefs. I suppose I like the fact that this feels like a more traditional path, one of old. It covers many topics  from weather magic, to colours, elements, herbs. It even covers the second form of divination I ever practiced, using playing cards. (The first was dominoes for anyone interested!) This magic is very homely, it's the kind of information you'd expect your country residing Grandmother to know just off the tip of her tongue, just because she did, and it was the kind of thing everyone knew. It's not necessarily a book for a beginner but at the same time it's a nice introduction to the ways of magic without being bogged down in the more modern Wiccan trappings.

Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is where most start their path. I can see how this book makes Mr Cunningham "immortal" as I have heard many claim he will be. As the first book of this kind I can see why it was so popular, it was everything everyone wanted to know about Wicca and made it so accessible  This is what made me fall in love with that path, I love the knowledge of the God and Goddess and the information on rituals and the Book of Shadows at the back with the chants and recipes. I didn't know it could be so exciting, before all I really knew was what I could find on the internet and a lot of that was dubious at best. Having re-read it this excitement was exactly why I came to my path, and it is exactly why I've stayed on it. I bought this book and read it for the first time over 7 years ago, and I know my path has changed from this, my initial path. Though retrospectively it has started my interests in many things and they have changed me for the better.

When I initially came to Wicca I was going through a difficult period of my personal life. The spiritual practice I follow, although little means so much to me. It opens my heart and my soul and I feel alive. I enjoy being alive with nature. Although I feel as though I have had some time away and rediscovering my path this way has already made me feel more connected with everything again.

Saturday the 17th I'm going to Witchfest run by Children of Artemis. This is my second one, last year I had some eye opening experiences but I think that is for another blog. I can't wait to be around people of similar beliefs and to attend talks I hope with enrich my path and practices. That and go shopping of course! I'm looking forward to meeting old friends and new ones, and feeling like I belong. Something I feel too infrequently.

My current read is Wicca: Magickal Beginnings by Sorita D'Este and David Rankine. This isn't a re-read, I got this book on Kindle earlier in the year and it's been staring at me for ages, I now also have a physical version which doesn't seem any less formidable! It's a bit daunting in chapters (I'll post again when I finish that one as I feel it needs it's own post!) but I feel that what I've read so far really helps me with my path. Looking at it from a historical point of view and trying to figure out where everything has come from has been quite an eye opener for me so far. Still have lots of it to read so more of that later!

Blessings )O(

Connecting with Nature, or Why It’s Important To Hug Trees

Nature is all around us, regardless of whether you are in the middle of the countryside or in the middle of a city. Admittedly, it is easier to see in a park or in the country than it is in a big city, but it is always there, whether you can see it or not. Part of the ability to see nature everywhere comes from being connected with it. In this twenty first century, with its expanding settlements and waves of technology, people are becoming more and more distanced from nature and unable to see the wonders she can bring, even if they like on their very doorsteps.

Pagans, you would think, would be the last people to be disconnected with nature, with their Earth based religions, moon worship and appreciation of our ancient lands. Though this is not always the case and I find pagans too can be prone to disconnecting from nature from time to time due to life stresses, family commitments, work etc. Over time I have become disconnected for these reasons, moving from the country to busy towns however, was the first thing to block me.

Coming from a village where I was surrounded by fields, with a stream at the bottom of the garden, surrounded by hills, the concrete world of a busy town was completely foreign to me as a place to live. Although I passed through parks to get to work, would occasionally marvel at squirrels, and delight at the colours of spring and autumn, something wasn’t right. The nature didn’t feel accessible to me although it was always within reach. I couldn’t see the stars at night due to the light pollution, I daren’t wander around barefoot in fear of treading in some errant dog mess and I’m not sure I could have even brought myself to hug a tree. I’m not sure things got much better initially when I moved to my next concrete based prison, though this place had something different about it. It had history, and that history left a beautiful energy.

I soon felt a pull, towards parks, with rivers or wild places, cared for enough I could go barefoot, sit against a tree and feeling that energy seep into me, feeling that almighty love within I used to feel when connecting with deity back home. Empowered by both the energy of the ancestors of this place and the energy of nature. This energy changed me, from the dark, woeful girl of my teenage years in to something much happier and loving, in only a year I had changed dramatically. And it was in this concrete town, with its various energies I first saw the God in the way he wished to be seen by me. Now that was a magical moment! I now see nature everywhere, even in the busiest of places, be it a single bird song above the din of traffic, a spider making a web in a shop doorway, the smell of weather turning or even just the chill of winter frosts. I smile at each of these things in turn and feel that love in my heart that lets me know that deity is there, my God & Goddess by my side, still surprising me.

Through this I learnt the importance of nature. I now know that having a physical connection to nature is vital to human beings.

One day, not so long ago, I was walking through a small church garden on my way to work. The garden was empty, save a few birds and the odd squirrel. There were trees surrounding me, grass and bushes, but I felt very disconnected. I felt as though they were out of reach, there but no there. I craved the touch of them, I wanted to walk barefoot in the grass, touch the trees and the flowers. Embrace it. I craved it, I needed it and I believe it’s a connection we all need. How many of us can say we’re in touch with nature daily? Even weekly?

There are many ways to start, connecting with nature. I believe the best way is to go to a park, perhaps a quiet corner if one can be found, and sit under a tree, pressing your back against the bark. Close your eyes and let the energy from the tree and the Earth embrace you. You will feel more relaxed with every breath you take. Pay attention to the noises you hear, how many different birds are there? If the wind is blowing listen to the whispering of the trees and let them ease you into this meditation.

It has been proven that “tree hugging” increases happiness, being in nature increases happiness. This physical connection not only increases your happiness but it allows deity into your heart. It allows you to feel your God and/or Goddess by your side. That overwhelming feel of love, personally, puts me on a high that lasts for ages.

Without nature and without the contact and feeling the energies I would be a very different person to who I am today. So take ten minutes, five if it’s all you have. Go outside, sit with nature and let it truly surprise you.

Starting again...

It's been a couple of months since my last post, I know, I'm sorry. Life has been kinda crazy the last little while so I haven't been able to focus on any aspect of my path too much, but this is where this entry comes in.

There is always one thing I regret with my spiritual path, and that is the lack of writing I have done. I love writing, but when it comes to my path I will write about 4 pages in a notebook, maybe copy the Wiccan Rede then something else will distract me. Possibly a sign that my heart isn't in it or that it's not the right time for me and that kind of activity.

Last night I watched on youtube Pagyptsian's "All of my BoS's!" Watch Here! She decorates her journals beautifully, not something I could do, but she keeps referencing how important it is to have this record, and how to look back and see how much spiritual practices have changed and how beliefs have changed. I know for one thing that when I started out in Wicca it was the spells that drew me to it first, and they are now the thing I do least in my practice, I also know I've decided I'm not Wiccan but I don't have the documentation to go back to and read to see when or why I decided I wasn't necessarily Wiccan, was there some event that happened that made me stop following that path? I don't have records of the very few times the God and Goddess have actually communicated with me, although I remember them clearly, having them in my spiritual journal or book of shadows or what have you would be a nice thing to look back on and to show my children if they chose this spiritual path.

Sadly, I don't have a TARDIS so I can't go back and tell myself I'm doing things wrong, so what can I do? I could write a retrospective view which I have done in the past, probably missing large bits out where it's all a little bit sketchy in my mind. So I've figured that the best thing for me to do is to start all over again. Almost wipe the last 10 years out and go back to the beginning of everything.

So I'm going to start reading my beginning books again. I'm about to start Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, and I've order Doreen Valiente's Natural Magic, as that was my very very first book in Witchcraft. And reading through these books I will take notes on how I feel on various aspects contained within there and which I apply to my spiritual beliefs and which I don't and why. I will do small rituals and spells and note success and I will once, and for all, learn to read the Tarot.

I think one of a lot of pagans fears is being accused of being a fraud. It's ridiculous I know, but it's something I fear because I don't have a set practice. I don't spent every full moon doing rituals, if anything I'll just stick my head out the window, blow a kiss and be done with it. As I said, I don't do spells, not really. I am too scared of things going wrong to actually do one, but I know if I actually sat down and read about them and wrote notes I could evaluate my fears and over come them. So I might feel less of a fraud if I actually cast a spell every now and then, and I know it's not all about the witchcraft side of stuff, but it's something I want to do.

When I have read books I'll try and post up my thoughts of them up here. Might do a couple of books at a time so I won 't rush you suddenly with lots of posts. If anyone has book recommendations please comment, I feel I have a somewhat restricted library, and I am always looking to expand it!

Until next time,

Blessed Be!