Monday, 28 October 2013

"You told me that I would run if I knew you inside and your mind, my love"

I'm taking a bit of time out from blogging...largely due to me forgetting but that's another issue.

This post isn't about witchy me, it's about me. Pure, honest, open, me.

I'm not sure how to start this without sounding like a teenage emo whose only life issues are that Edward Cullen isn't actually a real person, but that fact alone has already ruined their life more than anyone could possibly imagine.

I've had issues, for years it feels, on and off. It can be little things, paranoia that every time two senior managers go into a meeting, it's about me and how they can find a way to get rid of me. Occasionally I could ignore it, sometimes I would be sat worrying until they came out again. If nothing was said to me, I'd be fine, and there would be nothing to stress about until we got to the next meeting.

I worry about little things, like travel, I need to physically see the tickets to know that they are there. I stop dead if I think anything is missing or wrong and won't move again until that particular anxiety has been calmed. I get stressed if I can't see the tickets or whatever, if I feel that particular aspects are out of my control, I panic.

Recently I feel as if things have stepped up a bit. I spend most of my days worrying that something I've done at work is wrong, or if I pick up on something I've not done properly or simply missed I start panicking and wondering how best to get a new job. I can't be happy outside of work because these things crop into my mind every now and then and can either leave me sleepless, over-thinking things, I can't enjoy weekends or even time off because I fear that something has happened while I've been out of the office and I'll get a message before I leave the next day telling me not to come in. I spent one bank holiday over-thinking one person had said and it completely ruined it.

I've has one such matter on my mind all weekend, it's kept me awake, it left me with a massive tension headache that lasted most of yesterday, and I'm pretty sure that and the combination of a packed train left me feeling claustrophobic to a point I wondered if I could just get off at the next stop and worry about catching a later emptier one.

I worry about money, I never have any because I'm always spending it. I spent it to make me feel a bit happier but it never does. I worry that I'm not going to be able to afford things like Christmas, birthdays, I worry that people don't like what I've given them, or enjoyed time I've spent with them. I feel the need to overcompensate and then worry that that isn't enough and overcompensate some more which makes me feel exhausted.

I spend my time worrying what other people think and equally not giving enough of a shit to do anything about it. This is probably harming me more than anything else. I can't stop eating at the moment, I eat for so many reasons but stress is a large part of it. I'm gaining weight and i'm too scared to stand on the scales and see what the damage is. I know I am probably heavier now than I have been, but I'm not sure I want to do anything about it. Signing up for things to motivate me has failed, I don't know what else I can do to help it.

I can't communicate with people - I can't sit down and talk to people about my problems because I'm not a sitting down and talking kind of person. I write. If I am asked something about what I think to anything, I'll generally agree with the consensus. If I was asked what I thought about something online by email, on Facebook, I'd probably argue until I was blue in the face. I worry that I don't sound intelligent enough to put my point across, or that someone will ask me something challenging that I can't answer or can't work my way around. Here I can edit, I can change words or look them up if it's something I feel is right but I'm not sure of the meaning.

I rarely feel happy anymore, I take my pleasures where I can find them. Whether it's buying something I really really don't need, or if it's eating another bar of chocolate. I listen to music, usually stuff that I connect with these days, I rarely listen to anything new. I think Bitter Ruin and the new Ayreon are going to be the only albums of bands I like I've really listened to properly in the last year.

I've stopped reading - and this is a real kicker for me. Books are everything to me. I love diving into worlds that I can learn about and forget about the real world. I can count the books I have read since August on one hand. My lack of interest in pretty much anything is hurting me more than I can say. I don't really know how I spend my weeks anymore. Admittedly I've watched more TV which has filled a gap but with one series ended and another not that far away what do I do then? I can't stay focused on anything because I'm too busy worrying about other things.

Next month I'm down to do National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I've started worrying about things attached to that that may be years down the line or just may not ever happen. I want this to be more than just a "oh I feel like putting myself through hell for a month". I want there to be a product at the end and I want the product to go out there into the world, and I want people to read it, but then I don't know if it's worth all the stress and anxiety I'm pretty sure would go with it.

I just feel that at the moment I'm bumbling along in the world, in my bubble of anxiety and stress, and it's not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere, I'm almost too scared to do anything different because I don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and stress that would go with those new situations. I don't know if I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do.

I feel a bit better getting this down and in writing, I don't know if anyone is going to read this, or comment or whatever. I think I know what I need to do but I'm worried that I won't be taken seriously or that what I'm going through isn't "severe" enough to be considered as anything.

I think some time to myself would be better. I might put the laptop down and turn off Facebook, I'll focus on my novel next month, spend some time thinking about me and try and ignore everything else. I might still blog, if I have difficulties with my writing, or with myself.

I think i should quote something vaguely relevant and profound here. But as I can't think of anything, have a Bitter Ruin song instead.

1 comment:

  1. I can empathise with this. Sadly I don't really have any advice as I haven't worked out how to fix me yet, but time to yourself is important (at least it is for me). It may not fix things, but just concentrating on you for a little while can ground you just enough to cope with the world *hugs*