Come With Me, The Vast Unknown Awaits For Us To See

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog. In all honesty, I feel like it's been about that long since I truly did anything interesting with my spiritual path. I don't even feel like I've practised at all since...you know, I couldn't even tell you when.

Once again I have the spring stirrings in me that make me want to embrace my spiritual side. Not my witchy side, my spiritual side. The side that calls to the Goddess and the God, the side that connects with nature, the side that really wants to know where her place in all of...this, is.

Last year, or possibly the year before, I can't quite remember, I decided that one of the things I wanted to do the year that I turned 30 was visit Glastonbury, the town not the Festival. I wanted to go on my own, I wanted to be able to have this spiritual experience that so many people who have visited Glastonbury have had before. I wanted to bask in the sun at the top of the Tor as it rose over the Somerset Levels, I wanted to dip my feet into the White and Chalice Wells, I wanted to sit in quiet, harmony, in peace in the Goddess Temple, deep in meditation and connecting with the powers that be. It was a dream I never thought I would have realised. I told my husband I wanted to go and he said: "whatever it is that you need to do." And that was that. It still remained a dream deep in the back of my mind.

When it came to my 30th Birthday and people asked what I wanted, I said I wanted money. I thought if it could fund at least a part of my trip, I would finally get to book it. The money came in, it went into my savings account, and while I had thought about buying many different things with it, it remained untouched, still with the vague hope that I might get to go. But my year was quickly filling up and it was seeming incredibly less likely that I was going to be able to go.

 I have visited Glastonbury before, about two and a half years ago now. I went with a friend of a non-pagan persuasion and, while I deeply enjoyed the company, I feel like I missed out. I didn't want to do a lot of the things that might point me out as a bit odd or different, not in his eyes. Even though we have been friends for years, I felt that by fully revealing this side of myself in a practical side, I might make him uncomfortable or scare him off. And he was my ride home! We climbed the tor, we went to the Chalice well, I spent a small amount of time in the Goddess Temple, we visited the shops and we left. It was a lovely introduction to Glastonbury but it was far from the spiritual experience I hoped to have at the time.

It was a programme on BBC 2 that made me think of it all again, Pilgrimage: The Road to Santiago. For those who haven't seen it, it follows 7 celebrities, ranging in faith from Rev Kate Bottley to Ed Byrne who is Humanist and some people in the middle or on the other ends of the spectrum. There was a lot of open discussion about why people were walking the Camino, most interesting was Kate. I can't remember if she was having a discussion with someone now or if it was a piece said to the camera, but she said that even though she was reverend. she wasn't sure all the time about whether or not God exists. That spoke to me, I always viewed those that are in a seat like a priest or an imam or rabbi or whatever that they would have 200% utter faith and belief in God. Someone coming out in one of those positions saying that they don't on TV is, to me, important to know.

After I watched the first episode I was deep in thought and considered whether a pilgrimage was something that I would like to do. Not something as made as walking the Camino, I am not mental, but somewhere to be, to connect to the deities. Somewhere just like Glastonbury.

I had the discussion with my husband again that weekend about going to Glastonbury, as yet another one of our weekends became booked up, lamenting that the time I had left was limited and I wanted to go sooner rather than later. So I began to look up accommodation and what dates were available to me and knowing what was available went to work the next day and submitted my leave request.

Tuesday 20th I, at long last, booked my trip to Glastonbury for the end of June.

It's 12 weeks and 6 days away, which really feels like no time at all.

Since booking it my heart has felt so full, I've had little signs to show me that it's the right thing to do, from seeing certain birds constantly, finding out that I can see a friend I rarely see while I'm there, even just new music I've listened to, the band Auri, makes it feel right.  I am looking forward to this trip so much, I really can't wait to go.

But what do I hope to gain from it?

I honestly don't know. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't want some major spiritual moment that's going to change my life, that would be amazing, but I know that in all likelihood that isn't going to happen. What I am going for is some quiet, some time to think, time to connect. If there happens to be something that happens in among my time sat watching the sunrise on the Tor, or in a quiet moment in the Chalice Wells or Temple, then amazing. I will write it down in my journal and take that away from the whole weekend. For me, what is important about this trip is to allow myself to remain open to possibility.

I'm starting a journal, when it arrives, of my thoughts and feelings of many things before my trip to Glastonbury, to take notes when I'm there of any experiences, dreams or meditations I have, even just thoughts I may have in passing.

Overall I think it's going to be an interesting experience. It's the first time I will have been away anywhere on my own for longer than a day and I'm nervous but excited for what could happen.

The vast unknown awaits for me to see...

Witchfest 2016

Wow.

I think that's all I really need to say. I've had a phenomenal weekend, I've had new ideas and new avenues to explore, new writers to investigate and new shiny things to play with. But lets go back to the beginning before I start gushing about the many things I bought from the market.

I headed to London on Friday morning, on a slightly packed train but I made it largely unscathed. A quick flirt with the underground and I was soon on a train from Victoria to Brighton, I was ridiculously excited. So excited I didn't read any of the books I had brought with me on either train. I met up with my friends Nisha and Chris. We had a lovely lunch at a Vegetarian placed called Iydea and then headed to the flat (after extracting Nisha from many shops along the way). We made our way to our Air BNB, which was small but all we really needed. After a spot of shopping (and more extracting of Nisha) we headed to the Brighton Centre (via a chip shop).

I don't think I was quite prepared for the size of the Auditorium in the Brighton Centre. It was HUGE. We managed to nab seats at the front which was both a blessing and a curse, largely because once people got up to dance it was difficult to see! But we persevered and very much enjoyed Spriggan Mist, Crow Dancers and Inkubus Sukkubus. I personally can't wait for the Crow Dancers album and pestered KT at least twice over the weekend about it! But the bands sounded fantastic, the sound was brilliant and it was the best I've heard Inkubus Sukkubus ever be!

We all got kicked out at 5 to 11 and we headed to bed, via a kebab shop because, food. It was so noisy when we got back to the flat though, the neighbours were playing very loud music when we got in but fortunately had turned it down just before I tried to sleep. But it was Friday night in Kemptown and it was busy, that's life I guess!

The next day we were up early, passed through a Costa for breakfast (gingerbread muffins naturally), and headed for a day of learning and fun. There was a bit of a delayed start due to the fact so many people were still trying to get in. I suspect this might have had something to do with the revolving doors making it slow for people to get in, or it might just have been because so many fricking people were there! I have no idea what the final numbers were but it was fantastic to see so many people turn out. The opening blessing was given by Kate West, and I was a little bit excited about that because this year was my first year hearing Kate West speak, but more on that later.

We, unfortunately, decided to skip Rufus Harrington's talk because we were worried we weren't going to get any shopping time, We were going to be in talks or events from 12 until about half 5 so it was near enough going to be our only shopping time. I ended up coming away with a awl for scratching symbols on candles, a Morrigan Bust, my first two Ember Vincent Pieces, a copy of Magical Times and some oils from Dominae Lunae Apothecary. (I think that's it).

Our first talk of the day was Witchcraft into the Wilds by Rachel Patterson. It took some finding, it was in the Syndicate wing of the Brighton Centre and was a bit difficult to find. But, we got there and as most of the talks we wanted to go to were in that wing we didn't have to move very far for the rest! I have to say I liked Rachel immensely, she very much draws from nature instead of buying things, because it's not really needed (don't tell my husband that). She herself is a self proclaimed "Lazy Witch" which is always something I call myself so I resonated a lot with what she said. She even gave advice to a question which echos things I said in my talk at Artemis Gathering, so much more exploring is required here. Looking forward to venturing down that avenue more!

Second was Raegan Shanti's Talk AKA Nisha! It was on Movement Meditation, and I have to say it was lovely to see it so well attended. Her talk was well researched (far better than mine ever was) and the movement part was lovely, I never usually get to go to Nisha's talks due to things getting in the way so it was great to get to see her talk, especially in front of  group. She was very much in her element there, even if she did get a bit tongue tied at times. (Love ya, Nish!)

Next was Damh the Bard and the Mabinogion, which I learnt I have been saying wrong for years (but of course). I know little about the Mabinogion but it was interesting to finally heard Damh speak. He very much knows his stuff! This is another topic I want to explore further, next year maybe, starting with reading the Mabinogion. An interesting introduction though with ideas I hope I remember while I'm reading.

Kate West was someone I was looking forward to seeing for a long time. She stopped doing events for a while as I was just beginning to attend my first ones so I was a little upset at the time! But she's back and I was delighted. I enjoyed her talk, I enjoyed the anecdotes and advice she had to impart. She seemed very much no nonsense which is the same feeling you get come across in her books. I very much felt inspired to carry on with what I'm doing and again came up with a few more avenues to go down, not least to actually finish her books...

Last but not least, Professor Ronald Hutton discussed Western Magical Traditions and basically how they all came from the East in a way, Egypt and Assyria. A lot of what has been copied down in the past has travelled far and wide, so it's interesting know that at least some of what we practice might have some basis in ancient magic, though it's, once again, something more to read about and to research. Why is it I always come away from these things with what feels like homework!?

At 5pm there was a raffle. After complaining I never win anything I won three things, a print of the artwork from Damh the Bard's Antlered Crown and Standing Stone by Ceri Lee, a signed copy of THe Witching Path by Moira Stirland and a Witch necklace I gave to Nisha (who had no raffle luck in the slightest). I'm very pleased with my picks although I now need more wall space for the Ceri Lee print!

After another quick run around the market before it closed (where I bought the other half of Ember Vincent's stall and a couple of itty bitty crystal Venus of Willendorf's) we headed into town for dinner. We ended up in a lovely little italian place and consumed my only alcoholic beverage of the whole weekend! (I know, it's shocking). Unfortunately timing meant we missed Daughters of Gaia but we did make it back in time to see Damh the Bard.

Now, anyone who knows me, will know that Damh the Bard is my number one top Pagan Artist ever. I could listen to nothing but him for weeks, and frequently have. So I was very excited to be able to see him twice this year (although I'm hoping it will be three times next year!).  He sounded fantastic on the big stage and I think he was quite giddy about being on it himself. For the whole set I was whispering "Play Sabbat, please play Sabbat, you really want to play Sabbat." Then he started talking about playing songs that he didn't play because of huge production (Sabbat?) and how he really wanted to play this one (please be Sabbat?) and he was going to play it for the first time (Sabbat!?). It was! I swear the by the second chord I was on my feet and dancing. I was so excited I grabbed my friend Joy out of her seat and made her dance. (Seriously, Sabbat is like my favourite song at the moment, I was utterly delighted and even ignored the fact he sang the wrong verse). So now I have to spam him before Staffordshire Pagan Conference and hope to get a repeat performance! (Seriously, I was over the fricking moon!) So after buying a copy of Sabbat and got it signed followed by sweaty Bard Hug (TM) we went back in for The Dolmen.

When I saw the Dolmen back at Artemis Gathering you could not get me off of my feet. I danced for their entire set and I was fricking exhausted. While I very much enjoyed the performance of the Dolmen I didn't feel the urge to get up and dance. Maybe it was just because I had had such a full day and I was pretty tired, I don't know. I think the energies of Artemis Gathering suited them better. I also noted they're far more Tribal at Artemis than they were at Witchfest. However, I did finally learn the name of one of the songs I love so I bought the CD with that on it :)

Wearily we made our way back to the flat, that was missing the party next door Friday night had, much to our delight. after a "quick" snack of pringles and gingerbread we went to sleep, ready for our next day of adventures in Brighton.

As we weren't in a particular rush we had a lazy get up and managed to fit everything into our suitcases (although I'm not entirely sure how!) I had learnt not long before Witchfest that our flat was literally round the corner from Doreen Valiente's flat. So we checked out of the flat and made our pilgrimage. We weren't the only ones either, there were people there when we got there and people heading up with great enthusiasm when we were leaving. I had a bit of a moment there. It was weird to think that as I stood on the steps of Tyson place that Doreen had stood once. Possibly on her way to a ritual, possibly after marching up the hill with bags of groceries (I don't know how she managed that!), but there she would have stood or passed. A small tear came to my eye as I could very much still feel here there, slightly bemused at all the visitors to her little flat, but a little bit pleased all the same, that we're there, open and in so many numbers.

We found "breakfast" in town before heading to the sea for a bit. I collected a bit of sea water and found a hagstone so I was quite pleased :) I love being by the sea and wished we'd made more time to be there without having suitcases. Maybe next time!

After a quick trip via a couple of shops (I think we can guess who we had to extract...) we made our way up to Preston Manor to see the exhibition. It was small but perfectly formed. I had goosebumps the moment I went in and had a few more tears in my eyes pretty quickly. What struck me was very much the normality of it all. Gerald Gardner's book was a blank financial ledger, Doreen's was written in biro with a pencil note on how to pronounce Samhain. The items she collected from antique shops were beautiful, and again, the presence of Doreen was very very much present. I'm delighted to have had a chance to see the exhibition, and I am very much hoping that they make something bigger very soon. As it was "exit via the gift shop" I came back with more wares, a copy of Doreen Valiente's An ABC of Witchcraft Past and Present which I've not had my hands on before, a couple of postcards from the Foundation, a card of art of John Belham-Payne and a Pentagram notebook, within which I might start a new Book of Shadows with one instruction to myself, "be more Doreen".

Wearily we made our way back to the station to wait for the train home. The remainder of the journey was fairly uneventful, my train was cold and I made it home earlier than I planned.

I did read a bit of ABC of Witchcraft on my way home, and it made me think of a conversation Nisha and I had had about us being the future of Witchcraft, our generation is the next to step up and will be the elders of Witchcraft one day. We sort of panicked over expectations on new ways in the craft, what can we do when everything has already been done? But Doreen says "There are many realms still to be explored, and doubtless many discoveries still to be made." That might be in a book published in 1973, but I believe it's still true. And if we're going to get there we need events like Witchfest to help spark the imagination, to bring us down new avenues of thought. To come together as a community, share ideas and inspire the next generation.

So here's to Witchfest 2017, see you on the seafront :)

It's Hard To Light A Candle Easy To Curse The Dark Instead

This lyric for this blog was posted only a few minutes after I decided to write a blog - and it kinda sums everything up for me perfectly.

Of late, I've not been happy. It's more a personal frustration at the fact I am not anywhere near where I'd want to be right now. I'm not in a job that makes me happy and I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain being me. I'm losing interest in the things I love, I've not been reading anywhere near as much as I should be, I've not been doing any of the hobbies I enjoy, making jewellery or painting (well, rarely). I feel I'm repeating things almost word for word from another blog, and I probably am. But once again it's a subject that returns and returns for me.

Also lately, I've felt that my patience is wearing thin. I've been in a group chat for the better part of two years and I've quit that because I was growing weary of all the utter shit that passed for conversation. It was almost like an unending stream of hairdresser small talk about the subjects you couldn't give less of a shit about. Every. Fucking. Day.

And worst of all is these feelings are carrying on into my day to day relationships and I get the feeling that one day I am just going to snap. I don't want to, I'm becoming this grumpy miserable shit I don't want to be.

It's affecting more than just that though, the weight I've lost is piling back on, I'm buying larger sizes and I'm not happy about that and I'm having massive issues with it.

My problem is, I'm cursing the dark. I'm sat complaining and whining about my lot without doing a single thing about it. My candle remains unlit and at this point I don't even know where it is, and the matches are probably still in the shop, waiting to be bought. I don't know how to find find it, or how to even begin.

I've had a couple of kicks up the arse lately. Spiritually, I've had the Morrigan come and basically tell me to fucking get on with it (her words). I think that's an entirely different blog worth of information one day though.

The other thing that's motivated me is something a bit more closer to home. My friend's brother, Matt Bates, passed away on the 28th October. He had a rare form of cancer and was 27 when he died. I didn't know him. We met once in the street while I was with Sarah and sort of said hi to each other and that was it, everything else I know about him came from his blog or from his sister. His death affected me though, small at first, and I spent most of my time feeling sad for his family.

When I was chatting to someone at work about him, who also knew him through a few degrees of separation, we discussed how Matt did what he loved until the end. He was a journalist for a local paper, he recorded an album while he was ill and it was released just after he died. He never gave up hope, he kept doing what he wanted to do, fulfilled his dreams despite what he was going through.

And here's me whinging, with my health, with the ability to do what it is I want to do - I just have to get up, find the candle, then I can light it.

So enough's enough. I'm going to have to push myself to do what it is I want to do, to get out there and find the life that I want to live and want to lead. Find a career that I want to do, find something I love. If it involves education, then I'm going to do it, if it involves spending every moment of my evenings looking for new things to do and try, for jobs, for free courses or ways to find out what it is that makes me happy then so be it.

I'm going to start taking better care of myself. I'm going to start beliving in myself because so many times I have said "I can't do that" and I've gone on to do it. I've stood in front of people this year and given a talk on my beliefs, I've written articles and had 3 articles published in 2 different publications. I've contributed to a book that will be out next year.

So I'm done. I am done being the miserable shit, the one who hates Monday's, the one who goes to a job just for the money. The one who wastes her time at nights doing nothing beneficial at all.

I am fucking capable, and I can fucking do things.

Not only am I going to light that candle, I'm going to light all the candles, there's going to be a veritable bonfire by the time I'm done.

Shift Happens

Hey Pop Tarts (Note to self: Stop binge watching Kelly-Ann Maddox)

I've been thinking of wanting to blog for a week or so now but I had no idea where to start. I feel like I've started going through a bit of a spiritual shift. Whether this is an actual shift or whether it's because it's the "witchy" time of the year, I'm not sure. To start, let's go back to something I said in 2014 on Facebook.

I'm not going to lie, until some time this year I also thought I was possibly off my rocker. Perhaps I still am but I feel I have now gone beyond this point. 

Around the time I made this post I decided to take a step further into my social spirituality and joined a bunch of groups on Social Media. I made a few friends in there and felt I generally got on with them pretty well. At the least I felt like I was part of something and while I wasn't doing much in terms of spiritual practice I could chat about beliefs and read the thoughts of like-minded souls and I enjoyed it. They became my support network, certainly for 2015 where I wasn't able to go to any events, although I did get the chance to spend time in Glastonbury but wasn't as full on spiritual as I would have liked to have been due to being weighed down by some form of expectation that I was going to be hit by a bolt from the blue and a major spark of inspiration that didn't really happen. Perhaps that's another blog. 

2016 has been a much different year for me. I've had more involvement in some pagan groups, I've already been to a conference, a camp where I was a speaker, have written a couple of magazine articles and contributed to a book. I also have Witchfest on the horizon and I really can't wait for the energy that that is going to bring to my life. As part of the year, the writing aspect has gone hand in hand with a lot of introspection. The articles and talk I did were all based on my own experiences and my own spirituality and it is a lot of what I was going through or really still am going through. 

The feelings of being a fraud, I feel, tie in to my Facebook post to a degree. Either I feel like a fraud or that I am off my rocker, or I end up stepping away after such questioning periods. They're healthy though, again, things I've gone through in the past or things that tinge what I am currently going through. 

As I said I feel like I am going through a bit of a spiritual shift and that shift seems to be someone telling me "no fucking bullshit". I've grown tired of a lot of the online pagan community, mostly people in groups who post more "new age" aspects which I do not feel directly link to a lot of the groups core messages. If I saw one more post of "here is a picture of a lamp I bought, can you tell me if you have any messages for me?" No. Fuck off. Go visit psychic Sally if that's what you want. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that kind of thing if its what you want but not in a page of fucking hedge witchery. Likewise, I do not need to see photographs of the intimate practices you do with your significant other, nor do I need to know the exact details of where you sprinkle the "sacred love salt". Apparently reporting that to Facebook didn't class it as nudity...

So aside from cutting out the groups that no longer serve me, and I have to question if they ever actually did, I am moving away from a lot of stupid influences and surrounding myself with aspects of the community that are the same on the "no fucking bullshit" persuasion. I've found myself watching a lot more youtube videos and seeking out people on there who really know their shit, like Kelly-Ann Maddox and Joey Morris from Starry Eyed Supplies. I'm still keeping some of my original influences like Pagyptsian and Laura Daligan but I certainly need some oomph in my path and practices and all four of those people are certainly people who can inspire that within me. 

The other part of the shift for me, and again, this is linked intrinsically, I feel, with the "no fucking bullshit" part. I've thought of setting up a small part of daily practice which is not something I currently do. My path is mostly I'll do it when I feel like it which hast got me by pretty much most of the time. I felt like doing something through the week and it was simply sitting outside, with a candle, chatting to the Goddess. I didn't call her by name, I sat and I wittered on about all my problems and everything else when I just came out with "Goddess, Morrigan, help me." And I stopped. And I thought "what the actual fuck". 

I have recently noticed an increase of Morrigan in my life, either in the videos I've watched or the people who I have followed or art I've been drawn to. So I don't know if it's part of that but since I called on Morrigan part of me is all fuck yeah warrior energy in the parts of my life where I have needed it. It's mainly been my spirituality and where I am wanting to go with that but there are aspects where something is telling me that I am so not happy in other parts of my life and telling me to change them. I know there is going to end up being a fucktonne of introspection again there and some deep shit but I am ready. The war paint is to hand and I am so fucking ready to move past the shit that's weighing me down and go into a new phase of where I should be. 

I have no idea how long Morrigan is going to be there in my life, I know she comes and goes as she pleases and as and when she knows I need her but this is it. Dark Goddess in the Dark half of the year. 

Bring it on.

The One Where She Tries To Sort Her Witchy Shit Out

I would love to know how people get shit done. How people seem to have full time jobs but still find the time to read loads of books, write loads of articles or chapters for books or even whole books themselves. How people manage to sign up for courses and actually complete them on schedule within the right time constraints and now still be faffing around on the first month a couple of years after they signed up. How people manage to complete projects, whether they're arty or whatever, where is the time?

I can't lie, I do not spend my time wisely. Once I get home from work the first thing I will do after dumping my bag down is turning on my laptop, or just lifting the lid as 99.9% of the time I don't even turn my laptop off properly. And I will sit there for a little while, perhaps until Husband comes home where we will exchange plesantries, dinner is cooked, an hour and a half after that we watch a couple of episodes of whatever series we're watching or watch a movie if that's where things are going that day. Then whatever time I have left I am either sat on my laptop staring at Imgur or starting at conversations in Whatsapp that I am generally not in the slightest bit interested in. Before I know it it's time for bed and the cycle starts again. Weekends aren't much better and I often find myself staring at YouTube videos of my favourite YT pagans wishing that my life was like that before sighing and watching an hour worth of vines from the same fucking guy.

Something has to change.

I can't completely cut out my laptop, I use it for the very occasional blogs I do or the articles I vaguely write and planning I roughly do. If there are things I want to watch on TV, like the Great British Bake Off and Ripper Street that are given up for no one) then I usually have to watch them on my laptop if the TV is taken over by Husband and games. But there is an addiction there and I can't shake it.

But it's not just my laptop, it's my phone too. I'm always on Facebook or Imgur or something which is just wasting my time when I could be doing more important things.

"but Jenny, what does this have to do with sorting your witchy shit which is clearly the title of your blog?" I'm getting there.

As you know I did a talk this year at Artemis Gathering and it was about falling by the wayside and how to get back onto your path. It was all from personal experiences and I can tell you that 99.9% of the reasons that I have fallen off my path is because of the time I spend on the internet or I spend staring at my phone. Either it eats my time or I become so bogged down in whatever is going "out there" or I'm put in a mood by meaningless shit that people try to convince me is exciting news that I don't want to do anything else.

I am happy when I am reading and I am happy when I am practicing my path and the fact that I am not putting the time in to do things is upsetting me and I know I only have myself to blame. So it's time to sort my witchy shit out - also my mundane shit but we won't go into that in this blog.

So what am I going to do? I am going to have dedicated Internet Free nights - that means everything, Facebook, Imgur, Whatsapp everything is getting turned off and my phone is going in a drawer. Those nights I am either going to be reading or I am going to be spending my time writing or even crazily practicing my path. Art might come into it, I love doing art and it's another thing that makes me happy or other crafting based hobbies. I am aware it is going to drive me completely insane but if I can find a connection to doing things without stopping ever 2 minutes to check my Facebook notifications or some drivel someone is trying to message me then I might actually get shit done.

I made a database of all the Witchy books I have on my shelf and marked the ones I haven't read. It was deeply depressing and not a list I am going to show my husband or he'll probably tell me to get rid f some. Some of these books have been on my shelves for years and it's largely because of the internet thing that I haven't read them. When I've not been feeling witchy the last thing I have wanted to do is to pick up a witchy book and read it. And I have all sorts on there, full year course books, small books, massive large in depth ones I've just not touched. So I need to read them or if I know that I am not going to read them for whatever reason then they need to be gone.

There are courses that I signed up for a while ago and haven't competed, free ones mind you so not wasted money or anything but some I signed up to years ago and I've not got very far or barely started. Part of it has been life getting in the way but as ever it's 99.9% due to wasting my own personal time with shit. I will need to sort out some time a week where all I am doing is looking at one of those course then possibly two if I'm feeling radical enough to get there.

Journalling is something else that falls by the wayside, it's something I banged on about in my talk but I am also very aware of my own shortcomings when it comes to journaling. I have got a book of shadows and I barely touch it. I started writing in the one I have at the moment in 2013 and there is very little in there in terms of personal growth. It's something I am going to have to get into the habit of and just fucking do.

So that's my plan, less online time and more time sorting my witchy shit out. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to reach some kind of places where I can be sorted and start working on some of the bigger project ideas I have whirling around in my head. It'll never work otherwise.

Heeding My Own Advice

So it's been a week since I did my talk at Artemis Gathering and I kinda feel like everything is beginning to sink in a bit. Not just the various talks and workshops I attended over the weekend but the talk I presented myself.

I gave the talk based on my own experiences, based on advice I would give anyone who is on their path and feeling lost. I have practical tips on where to go, what to do and at times just let people know that they are not alone. "Not all those who wander are lost", I said, it's something that has stuck with me for a while.

Now we can all be our own worst critic, so it might not surprise you to learn that my feelings about myself and my self worth on terms of the craft are pretty low. I don't know where these thoughts come from, whether it's due to not feeling like I belong in groups or because I don't feel that i have had enough education or learning. I'm sure these are feelings we've all had somewhere along our paths, feeling that we're not good enough. I'm pretty sure these feelings plagued me while I was doing my talk.

Part of my talk was saying about how I felt like a fraud and how I felt like one presenting the talk and giving advice. I don't follow my own advice. I had so many people coming up to me after the talk saying how much it's helped them or how much they connected with it. People were taking things away from what I said, but it's all things that I should be telling myself, things that I should be following myself. And I think that a little bit of it has begun to sink in.

For the first time tonight I truly felt comfortable on my path. I know that I don't do what other people do, I know that I do not work in the same ways and that at times my celebrations can be a bit, lacking. But for me it's perfect. There's nothing to stop me going on and developing it later (again, advice from my own talk), and I will, I know I will. 

I had an important lesson come to me at the end of my talk in the form of one of the people who attended. It was to simply trust. It is something I know I do not do. I was told that I "have the knowledge" and if I just learn to trust then great things will come. But perhaps, perhaps the fact that I am feeling more comfortable with my path I am beginning to trust. It's a long road, it's a part of my path that I think I knew deep down I would need to face eventually, to trust and to believe. 

The lesson came to me again at Barbara's workshop on Walking with the Ancestors, I had to say a blessing on an ancestral plate, I said what I thought I should have said before uttering the words "I don't know what else to say." Barbara told me to close my eyes, not to think and to speak purely from the heart. And I did. What came out I do not remember but I recall that it was more emotional and far more honest than what I had said before. I had to trust that I had the words in there, I still have to trust that the words are in there, that the magic is inside of me,that the advice I give others also applies to me, that I am worthy and capable and that I am not a fraud. 

So I am comfortable with where I am and I trust that I will remain this way, I trust that all the things I have whirling around my head right now are going to come to fruition, that the knowledge I have can be imparted on others and that I can achieve what I want to achieve. I trust in my path, I trust in the God and Goddess that they are doing what is right for me, I trust that they have their own lessons to teach me when the time is right and that I will follow them. 

There was a chant in Barbara's work shop "I am a wise woman, I am a strong woman", I'm beginning to believe that. I just have to trust.

Artemis Gathering 2016 - Sunday - Monday

Sunday

I woke up Sunday morning feeling nervous. It wouldn’t be that long until I gave my first ever talk on Paganism. I decided not to dwell on it, but with everyone asking me every two minutes how it was it was really hard not to think about it.

After the usual get up, breakfast, waking up Sam, routine, we headed to the first talk of Sunday which was a woodland walk with Elm Cloud. It started with a gentleman who had made a moth trap and some of the moths were stunning. My favourite was a Black Arches moth because it was fluffy and just so darn cute! The rest of it Elm went through trees and plants and what their properties were, elements of folklore and other things. It was a lovely gentle start to the day and Elm was as informative as ever, I do like his talks.

At 11 it was to be a talk that ended up cancelled so I had some down time to panic the crap out of myself, look at some stalls and very very slowly make myself to the Taurus lodge where I would be giving my talk.

By the time I had stopped at the tree for the next talk my nerves had tripled. People started turning up and asking if I was there for the talk where I informed them that I was the talk. When the previous talk finally finished I was really beginning to shake. Especially when most of the people from the previous talk stayed! I have no idea of the exact numbers that turned up but I’d say 30 maybe, it was certainly far better attended that I could have hoped for. Some shakes aside, and referring to my paper far more than I had wished to, I made it through relatively unscathed. People laughed at the jokes and I saw a lot of people nodding with what was being said. There was only one question, which was about my deities and it’s something I am going to have to go on and explore myself because it was an interesting notion. People took handouts I had made with book recommendations and tips, there was quite a rush when I said I had a limited number. Some people stopped to tell me that they had connected with what I had said and it made them feel like they weren’t alone. I had others coming up to me throughout the rest of the day telling me the same and even a messages since I’ve got home which was the final straw that made me weep. I’ve had one where someone who attended informed me that they have been inspired by it and taking steps back along their path which for me is amazing. I didn’t think my talk would have had that degree of inspiration or understanding with people. So if anyone is reading this who came to my talk, thank you, once again for coming!

Next was a break to dance with Inkubus Sukkubus who I enjoyed, as ever.  Singing highlights for me were Wytches and The Corn King. Candia also threw me the ivy circlet she was wearing which made my friend Nisha incredibly jealous. It remained a feature for the rest of the weekend and I left it as an offering of thanks to the spirit of the place before I left on Monday. Unfortunately I missed the talk on Finnish Spellcrafting by my friend Tatja as Inkkies ran on a bit but I probably needed the time to chill after anyway. Will have to make sure I make it to her talks next time! I did manage to introduce myself and give her a quick hug as we’ve chatted online quite a bit but never in person so it was lovely to meet her.

Flavia Kate Peters was next with a talk on the Wheel of Fortune. I’ve not gone to any of Flavia’s talks in the past as they seem to focus a lot on faeries which I don’t know how I feel about yet so I’ve always avoided them. This one, I really enjoyed. It echoed a lot of thoughts I’ve had on the Wheel of Fortune and Wheel of the Year already and it’s something I hope to write an article about. We did a guided meditation with drum where we travelled through the wheel of the year spun in random at Fortuna’s hand. It was interesting, the different points of being up and down on the wheel. My thoughts were all over the place and Flavia later told me that she could pick up on my energies and that there was a lot to work through. It gave me a lot of things to think about and work towards as did the final talk on my schedule.

Barbara Meiklejohn-Free is someone I have seen speak before although it was a few years ago now, and last time I was at Artemis Gathering I heard great things from her workshop so I decided, bit spur of the moment, that I was going to go to Walking with the Ancestors. So we trekked into the woods (where I am pretty sure most of my bites came from…) and we started doing a ritual and meditation to the Ancestors. I won’t go into details as to what exactly happened for me but it was a deep connection and there was an important lesson for me at the beginning about speaking from my heart and not thinking which is something someone else had told me earlier. But it was deep and moving and I am not ashamed to say through throughout the connecting with the ancestors I just wept. I couldn’t stop and I have no idea why. But I thanked her and we chatted a little afterwards too. I know I have a lot to work through and a lot of what came from this workshop is what I will be working on or towards.

After the closing ritual, a quick plate of the nicest Tarka Dahl I’ve had, and losing miserably at the raffle, Nish and I made our way to the extremely packed Firewalking Workshop. I have done the Firewalk before but I don’t think that I wanted the outcome deep down. This year I was determined. I did the arrow breaking ceremony that I had done before, but this time I could feel that I was ready to do it. In 2013 I could feel a degree of resistance to do so but this year I went straight into it. I have plans with my arrow to turn it into something else, at least half of it and the other half I am going to put with my current arrow.

With this firewalk workshop we really get to know our fire, we light it with what we’re wanting to get rid of, putting the energies into a candle and placing it in and giving it fuel. We then sprinkle incense to put in what we would want others to get out of it. When we go back later, after learning a bit more about firewalking and the arrow breaking. I made it across the flames three times, each time as determined as the first. I had intentions in what I wanted to walk towards when I arrived on Friday but over the course of the weekend that changed. I have a lot of work to do to get where I want to be but following the workshop I am ready to face anything that comes my way.

There were ghost stories in the marquee afterwards and after shivering though it all Nisha and I decided to head to bed.

Monday

Monday morning is never a joyous occasion when it comes to Artemis Gathering because it means packing up and leaving. After a relaxed breakfast, where friends told me people had been talking highly about my talk, Nisha and I plodded back reluctantly to put everything away. Then it was a quick round of goodbyes before Sam and I headed for the station with full hearts and lighter purses.

In reflection I think I sell myself a bit short. The weekend was amazing and to think that I was part of the people giving talks was spellbinding. I am capable of speaking in front of people, especially when it’s something I am passionate about and can relate to. Knowing that others can relate to it too and take things away makes it all the more powerful.

So to the future, where I will end up doing yet another blog on my thoughts of that but I am going to be so very busy. I’ve already asked if I can go back next year and I’m hoping I’ll be on the schedule, possibly going down a slightly heavier route but we’ll see how it goes.

So here’s to Artemis Gathering 2016, if you attended, I hope you learned as much as I did, if you didn’t, there’s always Witchfest!

Artemis Gathering 2016 - Friday and Saturday

It's the Monday after the weekend before, and this has been, quite frankly, the best weekend of my year so far.  Having missed a year, I returned to my beloved Artemis Gathering. This year was a bit of a special one for me this year - I was giving my first ever talk. But we'll get to that in a bit.

Friday

So Friday I set out, gaining a friend, Sam, on the way, and we made it to camp for about quarter past 4. Loads had already arrived and were beginning to set up so we got started. After a few false starts with Sam's Tent, we were soon joined by my mate Nisha and before we knew it we had our own little camp. After we were set up we headed off for food, meeting many friends enroute. That evening we had Cliff Carr, Bard to the Dolmen Grove, who I hadn't heard before and the inevitable main event, Damh the Bard. I have seen Damh a few times now and it never gets old, the music is just as enjoyable the first time or the nth time you've seen it. So, high on the music that he played, we headed out after to watch fire performers (whom I always envy). Afterward Sam and I lost Nisha along the way and headed to the Goth Club in the Scout Hut on site. I had popped in briefly on my last visit but didn't enjoy it then, this year however, seemed to be a different matter. I think we must have danced for about 2 and a half hours with the night eventually ending at 1am with both of us outside, Sam dancing to Magic Dance from Labyrinth with me sat on a table with a happy tabby cat curled up in my lap, it was oddly surreal.

Saturday

I woke and headed off pretty quickly to breakfast. I adore the food at Artemis, their Cafe is pretty top notch for festival food, and extremely reasonably priced. You always get your moneys worth! Soon after breakfast, after popping by a stall for my first purchase which I have just discovered is quite the bargain, we went to Ania's workshop on "Living the Tarot". It was about looking at the imagery and creating our own card based on that imagery that would appeal to our own lives. I started doing one on the Cernunnos Card from the Druidcraft deck but my drawing skills are somewhat lacking. Nisha did a beautiful version of The Star though, and I think she's now going to consider doing her own deck.

After Ania, we nipped over to catch Kevin Groves and his talk on Labyrinths. I have walked one of his Labyrinths before and I was extremely keen to do it again, so I did, twice. There is something about walking a Labyrinth, and as Kevin said in his talk, it cannot be explained. Simply experienced. As we shared our experiences coming out, we all experienced different but not totally different things. I found the whole thing very interesting and it's something I would love to look into further myself.

Next was the opening ritual, which turned out to be my second Artemis Gathering Handfasting, this time for Andi and Kelly, the bar staff and friends of mine. I am not ashamed to admit I wept a little, I'm a bit sap when it comes to weddings of any form so my inner romantic was fairly happy! After a congratulation hug we headed for food and a spot of Meet the Witches and probably shopping. It's extremely hard to keep track of when I actually bought things.

Two o'clock brought Creative Visualisation with Kevin again. I have already been to his creative visualisation talks online before but it was nice to make it in person. I think the only difficulty was my back was hurting which probably made me look disinterested (sorry Kevin). But as ever, there were things that he mentioned that echoed a lot of thoughts I'd already been having. So lots to think about, as always, and it tied nicely into some other bits and pieces I later in the weekend (mainly meditations and visualisations where I just ended up totally giving in to it).

I next when to a talk on Anglo Saxon Runes. Which was interesting, I own a set of Eldar Futhark myself but I've struggled with them. While the talk was interesting, I still didn't feel my connection to runes deepening, so I don't know if it's something I'll still continue with or not. I have to confess I seemed a little rude because I stood up and walked away before the talk finished because it was running on and I really wanted to get to the next one!

Next was chanting with Pia. I have to say I do enjoy a bit of chanting and singing so I found this really nice and relaxing. After quite a few in depth talks, something that didn't require as much thinking was wonderful. So we learnt some new chants and sang some old. I also spotted someone with the drum I've been eyeing up so I got a play on that which was great fun.

Next up was another singing workshop, this time with Susan Marie Paramor called "Inner Voice - God and Goddess worship". We were taken through several singing and chanting exercises, and it was basically to teach us not to be afraid with singing, It was lovely and I did feel myself opening up a bit more. It ended with a sort of sound bath used with singing. I came out of that feeling so chilled, it was amazing. 

That was the last workshop of the day so we headed to the marquee once again to have some food while we watched a slightly shortened Daughters of Gaia set which was still enjoyable, then, via a highly amusing auction, it was onto the Dolmen. I have only seen the Dolmen twice but I can tell you that this time I did not stop dancing from the first song to the last. It was absolutely incredible. Even the moments where there were just drumming were amazing, I've developed quite the connection to drums this weekend but that's for another blog. In the end I got a hug and a quick snog from Taloch (be still my heart). I also bought their Kayleigh album which is an album of songs featuring Kayleigh, their bassist and vocalist, as the main singer. There are some instrumentals I am going to have to figure out what they are though, and more Dolmen will be bought at Witchfest!

At Artemis they always have a fire sculpture. Previous years have seen a Phoenix and Dragon but this year we had a good old Wicker man. I managed to grab a picture of it in the morning before. (see below) - As always, there were fire performers and the Wicker Man was filled with magnesium and sparked as he went up in flames. It was a great ending to the day and, utterly worn out by the Dolmen, I made my way to bed pretty soon after.

The rest of the weekend is going to come in a separate blog. Sunday was quite a big day for me, not just from the experiences I had in different workshops but because I gave my first ever talk! I will get that one put up as soon as I can. 

Review: Pagan Parcel by Crafting Magic - January 2016

A little while before Yule I came across a subscription box called Pagan Parcel by Crafting Magic. It wasn't the first I had come across, there were a few I'd seen before that either didn't exist any more or were based in the US are were pricy shipping wise. So when I stumped across Pagan Parcel I was absolutely delighted.

I found a couple of unboxing videos on youtube - my favourites are by RhomanysRhealm and her enthusiasm over the boxes is what made me design to sign up.

The boxes are £14.99 including shipping which I think is a really good price for what you get. Usually you get 8-10 items which are a mixture of herbs, crystals, candles, spell components and one "big" item a month. The overall cost of the items is at least £20 (At least that's what the website says). If Pagan Parcel doesn't do it for you, they are looking at releasing another box or two over the year, the first one will be a Spell Box, not sure what will be in it but I'm intrigued :) We'll see what it brings!

So, onto the actual box!

The box wasn't massive when it came, I've seen them online so I don't know what I was expecting! My only other subscription box experiences are with Nerd Block and MyGeekBox which are a bit larger. I could say one thing though, it smelt heavenly!

First thing out was a A4 piece of paper which details the theme of the box (Imbolc) and lists the contents. On the reverse you have correspondences for the Sabbat and a calendar for February which includes festivals. feast days, the details of full and new books important moments in history (for example this one has the day Gerald Gardner died and the day the Salem Witch Hunt began). There are also a couple of Doreen Valiente quotes for good measure :)

I didn't take a picture of the box as I had opened it, which I now wish I had done. But I was too excited to open it that that had all gone out the window. My original idea had been to do an unboxing video, maybe next month.

So, the first thing I noticed was this: Jasmine incense, and what was the thing causing the smell. It has quite a nice smell, like soap. Unfortunately my husband was less impressed with the smell so not sure if I'll ever burn it, but it was lovely!

This was the second thing I noticed and I was very excited reeds and instructions to make a Brigid's Cross. I was looking at how to get supplies for this only a couple of days ago (although, thinking about it, I live near a river. I could always get reeds from there!). Anyway, this excited me a lot and I am looking forward to crafting this, pictures if all goes well!

The next couple of items are relatively staples for the boxes that I've seen. Candles, in seasonal colours and a crystal. I don't think I own Turquenite so that's exciting.

Herbs! So we have Blackberry leaves, Coltsfoot, Sunflower Seeds and Sesame Seeds. Blackberry Leaves are associated with Bridgt, Coltsfoot is for love (Valentines day) and Sunflower and Sesame seeds are for altar use (although the leaflet states all herbs received are fit for human use, so perhaps a snack if you got hungry!). The other pack is Lavender Bath Salts which smell heavenly also, not massively strong but I don't know if that's just because the Jasmine was so strong.

In the box were also 4 other sheets of paper that came along with the Brigid's Cross instructions. There is a spell if you're bothered by an aspect of your personality it helps you get rid of it, a simple cleansing and blessing ritual, a seed blessing ritual and a recipe for a simple seed cake. Lovely bits of information that come on slightly smaller than A5 bits of paper that can be glued straight into a Book of Shadows should you desire!

This is the "big"item. a Soapstone Pestle and Mortar with a beautifully engraved pentagram. I have a soapstone dish with a Triple moon on it so this will go with it beautifully. It's really rather quite heavy and beautiful. Also not something I own for magical reasons as I'm only getting into herbs and things. It's beautiful.

All in all I am really pleased with this, I look at it more as a kit as everything seems to be linked to spells or rituals provided or can be used in the forthcoming month. I love this more than I would love 8 or so random pagan related things that might not have any direct correlation. 

I'm going to keep up my subscription, I think this will give me a wonderful pagan boost, and once a month will be just right I think. I will continue to review them as they come, if I remember to before I tear the package open I might even do a video, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It's just too exciting to get a box of pagan treats, I don't know how people manage to resist!!

Over all, highly recommended, I hope this review has been helpful!

Merry Meet Again

Part of my 2016 aims and goals is to develop my beliefs and to develop my spiritual practice. As such I've decided that I want to bring this blog back, to attempt to keep my witchy progress somewhat separate from the general goals of my year. My general life blog is Ink Your Map which has my general 2016 goals and aims and personal developments, if anyone reads this and is interested in that side! Ink Your Map is updated Fortnightly and I don't know if I will be doing that with Witch Ways Now or not, I'm not going to assign myself to set days or a set schedule, I suppose I'll post if anything major or exciting happens or any thoughts that come to me I want to share with everyone.

Several of my goals so far are based off my spirituality, they are:-

1. Get more pagan articles published
2. Fire Walk
3. Speak publicly about my beliefs
4. Read more - Witchy Books in particular 
5. Learn Tarot
6. Practice my spirituality
7. Do the Fellowship of Isis course
8. Do the OBOD Course
9. Go to Glastonbury by myself.
10. Crystal Database Project

So I have a few already, some I've already started to pick up on like writing articles (one getting published so far) and I've started to pick up Witchy books to read and do the OBOD course. Going to Glastonbury is probably not going to happen, I have a bit too much going on to be able to afford that sadly but I can dream! The rest are a work in progress and I want to very much start on a lot of them straight away, where possible.

I am excited about speaking about my beliefs as I already have a talk lined up in August which I will need to write and prepare for. It's the first one I've done like that and I'm excited for it. Also will be doing the Firewalk then too which I am also really excited about doing again!

My only issue is, what if I'm doing too much? What if I am hurting my spirituality but attempting to do too many thing all in one go. I bought the Llewellyn Witches Date Book to plan the Pagan things I wanted to do each week. Last week I did nothing I planned. Well, not entirely true I've managed to touch on the OBOD course but that was on Thursday instead of the allotted Monday. I think I'm pushing myself too early and that I need to step back and figure out what it is I am actually wanting to achieve. It's great saying "Oh I want to read all these witchy books" but how? Do I want to just sit and read them cover to cover? Do I want to spend time over them writing notes which means I might take an hour to read a chapter that would normally take 20 minutes? Do I want to read and then spend time writing notes on the chapter I've just learned? Studying was never really a strong point during my high school or brief college careers, so I think I have a lot to learn as to what is going to be a good way for me to go about doing things. 

I think instead of planning the week I am going to plan the evening that day, I know that things get in the way and that I can't always follow a schedule depending on the plans of those around me but I will try.

The other thing I am going to start doing on here is reviewing the books I read, some will be re-reads as I attempt to get my arse back into things, some/most will be entirely new. I want to read a lot this year. I also need to stop being on my laptop so much over weekends so I can get things like reading done or I will be in the exact same state at the end of this year as I was at the beginning.

So baby steps required right now, especially while we're still in the early part of the year and my enthusiasm is still somewhat lacking. Once we get beyond Imbolc I might be a bit more willing.

But roll on 2016 - we'll see where it takes me on my path and how it's going to change me, because it will, I know it will.

The Problem with Being On Your Own

Until now I have never minded being on my own. I always presumed that that was just my lot. That there weren't any pagans around for me to join. So I'd go about things in my half arsed kind of way.

I also presumed that I'd carry on being happy this way, I don't really want to join a coven, the thought of that terrifies me. But over the last couple of years that has changed.

I went to my first fully fledged pagan event in November 2011. Witchfest. And I loved it. There were so many things to see and do, people to meet, talks to go to. I had a great time and discovered some things about myself I'd never even considered. I didn't feel pangs of being alone then. I did eventually, probably a couple of months later. It was after all only a one day event, and it all happened so fast, but I loved being with others like me.

In the meantime I stepped up my online presence a bit, chatting to people, some I'd met at Witchfest. It helped me feel less lonely and I became good friends with a couple of people who I now meet up with at real life events.

I went to the Gathering for the first time August 2013. This was a full 3 day event and I had no idea what to expect. Turns out I had a ball, and again I had so many experiences there I would have never had on my own. Not just fire walking either! But I met more people and had some great discussions and didn't feel all lonely again.

When I got home I was alone again. I missed everyone,the friends I'd made, even the annoying drunk folk. I would have given anything there and then to go back not just because of my friends but because I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was a part of something, something bigger than I felt at home.

Until recently I had only really been aware of one pagan locally. Which is an insane thing to think. I knew there was a moot, I'd seen people wearing pagan jewellery but it all seemed out of reach, as if I was lacking the secret password to gain access to this knowledge. Especially as my friend had seen someone out and about wearing a Children of Artemis T-shirt! So I'm going to have to hunt them down at some point at the Gathering this year.

My luck is changing a bit, I have managed to meet one of the members of the local Moot and hopefully I'll be going to that next month. I know they have a trip to the Rollright Stones in August so I would love to be a part of them properly for that! Will be nice to be out and about doing pagan things without having to rely on other people. Unfortunately most pagan sites aren't accessible by public transport or if they are they take hours to get there just for you to turn back once you get there so that you can actually get home. I really need to learn to drive, then I'll never be home!

There are other issues, not just being lonely. I don't feel that I have anywhere outside where I can do ritual as my back "garden" is an open driveway pretty much with lots of houses looking over it. I've done one bit of magic outside but I felt so conspicuous I've never done it again. Likewise, inside, there are lots of things I can't do, burn loose incense, burn paper. Mainly because my husband will come up the stairs in a shot wondering what is burning and ruin everything. Whereas if I had more of a pagan community they might have somewhere I could go or do stuff as a group.

Anyway, with joining a moot next month, and Artemis Gathering the following, hopefully I'll not feel lonely for a long time :)

New Beginnings

So New Year is around the corner and now is the time for some resolutions. I've thought about this a bit, vaguely remembering the ones I made last year, not sure just how much I stuck to them to be honest. They were probably the usual crap of losing weight and what have you, I might have had some spirituality based ones but I'm not even sure how much I remember then, it all seems such a long time ago.

I'm getting a head start with them this year, I have been thinking about my goals for next year for a little while now, and I'm not going to call them resolutions because if I call them that I will have failed them by the 2nd January regardless of what my aims were. Though if I've achieved something in the time between 1st January and 31st December then it doesn't count as failing I guess!

My goals for next year, I'm going to leave out the largely personal ones, the reoccurring losing weight one, my hope that I might be able to drive next December or maybe having a different job, who knows. The ones I'll post here are more to do with self.

This year my aim was to develop myself spiritually, and I feel that I have confused myself spiritually more than anything else. I think with the last few months where I seem to have sunk into depression or whatever it was that was causing a funk my spirituality has taken a back seat almost. I didn't go to Witchfest in November like the last two years, it always gives me a boost and a bit of a kick up the arse, and I don't think that's really helped how I've been feeling. I have got a couple of plans up my sleeve to reconnect, and hopefully to improve how I'm feeling too.

Firstly, I'm going to get a camera. I know, huge pagan item that...really natural. What I want to do is to start a Photo Blog, probably on Tumblr, but to go out and photograph nature, to photograph the world around me, document where I've been. The camera on my phone is ok but it's not brilliant, so I want a nice little one that will fit in a pocket in my handbag and be there when I want it to be, to snap a cobweb I've found in the morning due, to snap a bird that's landed close to me, or just a misty morning.

Secondly I want to pick up Llewellyn's Spell-a-Day Almanac. It's not all spells, some of it is just daily devotions, leaving offerings, rituals, occasionally just a snippit of knowledge about a festival you're not aware of on that day. I had one for the past year and kept forgetting where I'd put it, so I didn't get much done with it. But I'm hoping that this time, with enough advanced planning, that I might actually do something with it this year. Something else to keep me connected to my path!

Thirdly, I really want to start to study properly again. How many times have I said that in a blog or forum post I wonder? More times than I could possibly count. I know that I have so many books to read and a course or two that I've got to do. And I'm going to, I am going to set myself a goal of just two pagan related books a month, surely I can do that? Actually, maybe one. 12 books a year would probably cover most of my witchy book case. Provided I manage to refrain from buying any more in between. I started a course through Order of Ovates Bards and Druids too and I'd quite like to be able to finish able to this next year. Means I'm going to have to pull my finger out a bit and do it but I believe I can do it, among everything else.

I know that life is going to get in the way, and I know that I am going to have difficulty somewhere or another with spirituality and not being able to do something or another because of this and that and I really hope I'm not going to get stressed out about it. I would love by the end of next year to be so laid back I'm horizontal instead of being full of anxiety and fear and dread all the time. I'd love it so that I don't jump the second someone from work comes near me with something, so that I don't suddenly panic that I've left the house in a storm and envision all my windows being blown in or somehow I've managed to leave something plugged in which has caused a massive fire somewhere. I'm hoping that study will help me focus my mind and prevent it from wandering constantly. 

I want to practice my crafts, improve with the Tarot, not just one of my decks but the two I have, use my oracle decks more frequently and familiarise myself with those. Pendulums too, now I have three, I'd like to be able to use in different ways to the ways I use them now. Perhaps pick up a new skill, I have a beautiful set of amethyst runes I'm afraid I've barely been near because I've been utterly bewildered with how they work and the ability to learn the symbols. Perhaps something else for the year ahead.

Another thing I'd like to do is have some witchy writing published. I wrote an article for the Witchcraft and Wicca magazine run by Children of Artemis and I hope that I'll be able to write more for them and hopefully have something in the magazine. I might even submit an article or two to the Pagan Dawn and see how that goes! I also want to be able to focus on developing the idea I have for a pagan book that I want to publish someday in the future, although I know it's not going to happen in 2014, I'd like something with it to happen, whether it's research, developing techniques, learning new ones. 

There are more events I want to go to next year, The Artemis Gathering and Witchfest are definitely on my list, regardless of what else is happening, I might see if I can take myself on a trip or two with some other folk to places like Glastonbury, Avebury and Stonehenge.

Lastly, I want to take up meditation. Again, part of the developing myself, helping myself through the anxiety and depression I've been suffering. Help myself to be happy again and focus my life on the tasks that I want to complete and succeed in. Even if it's only 10 minutes a day it's more than what I'm doing now and gives me the chance to have some from of me time, even if the rest of my time is taken away from me.

There is a bit of work to be done before the 1st of January where I start all this, something I'll look at over the course of the weekend and when I get  home, I also plan to take myself away on the 31st December to spend a gift voucher I have for Waterstones and to get my camera. I might even pop into my favourite shop Zen too and see if I can pick up a witchy thing or two (undoubtedly crystals...)

So here's to a happier me for next year, a more spiritual me and hopefully a not too worn out me!

See you in 2014 x

"You told me that I would run if I knew you inside and your mind, my love"

I'm taking a bit of time out from blogging...largely due to me forgetting but that's another issue.

This post isn't about witchy me, it's about me. Pure, honest, open, me.

I'm not sure how to start this without sounding like a teenage emo whose only life issues are that Edward Cullen isn't actually a real person, but that fact alone has already ruined their life more than anyone could possibly imagine.

I've had issues, for years it feels, on and off. It can be little things, paranoia that every time two senior managers go into a meeting, it's about me and how they can find a way to get rid of me. Occasionally I could ignore it, sometimes I would be sat worrying until they came out again. If nothing was said to me, I'd be fine, and there would be nothing to stress about until we got to the next meeting.

I worry about little things, like travel, I need to physically see the tickets to know that they are there. I stop dead if I think anything is missing or wrong and won't move again until that particular anxiety has been calmed. I get stressed if I can't see the tickets or whatever, if I feel that particular aspects are out of my control, I panic.

Recently I feel as if things have stepped up a bit. I spend most of my days worrying that something I've done at work is wrong, or if I pick up on something I've not done properly or simply missed I start panicking and wondering how best to get a new job. I can't be happy outside of work because these things crop into my mind every now and then and can either leave me sleepless, over-thinking things, I can't enjoy weekends or even time off because I fear that something has happened while I've been out of the office and I'll get a message before I leave the next day telling me not to come in. I spent one bank holiday over-thinking one person had said and it completely ruined it.

I've has one such matter on my mind all weekend, it's kept me awake, it left me with a massive tension headache that lasted most of yesterday, and I'm pretty sure that and the combination of a packed train left me feeling claustrophobic to a point I wondered if I could just get off at the next stop and worry about catching a later emptier one.

I worry about money, I never have any because I'm always spending it. I spent it to make me feel a bit happier but it never does. I worry that I'm not going to be able to afford things like Christmas, birthdays, I worry that people don't like what I've given them, or enjoyed time I've spent with them. I feel the need to overcompensate and then worry that that isn't enough and overcompensate some more which makes me feel exhausted.

I spend my time worrying what other people think and equally not giving enough of a shit to do anything about it. This is probably harming me more than anything else. I can't stop eating at the moment, I eat for so many reasons but stress is a large part of it. I'm gaining weight and i'm too scared to stand on the scales and see what the damage is. I know I am probably heavier now than I have been, but I'm not sure I want to do anything about it. Signing up for things to motivate me has failed, I don't know what else I can do to help it.

I can't communicate with people - I can't sit down and talk to people about my problems because I'm not a sitting down and talking kind of person. I write. If I am asked something about what I think to anything, I'll generally agree with the consensus. If I was asked what I thought about something online by email, on Facebook, I'd probably argue until I was blue in the face. I worry that I don't sound intelligent enough to put my point across, or that someone will ask me something challenging that I can't answer or can't work my way around. Here I can edit, I can change words or look them up if it's something I feel is right but I'm not sure of the meaning.

I rarely feel happy anymore, I take my pleasures where I can find them. Whether it's buying something I really really don't need, or if it's eating another bar of chocolate. I listen to music, usually stuff that I connect with these days, I rarely listen to anything new. I think Bitter Ruin and the new Ayreon are going to be the only albums of bands I like I've really listened to properly in the last year.

I've stopped reading - and this is a real kicker for me. Books are everything to me. I love diving into worlds that I can learn about and forget about the real world. I can count the books I have read since August on one hand. My lack of interest in pretty much anything is hurting me more than I can say. I don't really know how I spend my weeks anymore. Admittedly I've watched more TV which has filled a gap but with one series ended and another not that far away what do I do then? I can't stay focused on anything because I'm too busy worrying about other things.

Next month I'm down to do National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I've started worrying about things attached to that that may be years down the line or just may not ever happen. I want this to be more than just a "oh I feel like putting myself through hell for a month". I want there to be a product at the end and I want the product to go out there into the world, and I want people to read it, but then I don't know if it's worth all the stress and anxiety I'm pretty sure would go with it.

I just feel that at the moment I'm bumbling along in the world, in my bubble of anxiety and stress, and it's not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere, I'm almost too scared to do anything different because I don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and stress that would go with those new situations. I don't know if I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do.

I feel a bit better getting this down and in writing, I don't know if anyone is going to read this, or comment or whatever. I think I know what I need to do but I'm worried that I won't be taken seriously or that what I'm going through isn't "severe" enough to be considered as anything.

I think some time to myself would be better. I might put the laptop down and turn off Facebook, I'll focus on my novel next month, spend some time thinking about me and try and ignore everything else. I might still blog, if I have difficulties with my writing, or with myself.

I think i should quote something vaguely relevant and profound here. But as I can't think of anything, have a Bitter Ruin song instead.

Questioning Everything....again

If you had asked me this time last month what path I followed, I would have told you that I did not know, but that I was fairly certain that it wasn't Wicca and that I was leaning towards some other path. Ask me now, and I'd tell you I don't know.

As per my previous posts you will be aware that I was at the Gathering in the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside this past weekend, and at this event I attended a lot of different talks and events. A lot of what I attended were rituals. Not through my own accord, it just so happened to be the talks I went to ended up being ritual based. Through the rituals I felt a connection, something deep down inside was feeling comfortable and at home. Most of these rituals were Wicca based, though not all, but I felt at home almost. I loved seeing them performed properly by people who knew what they were doing. It's not something I've really been able to witness.

So am I Wicca? I don't know. I'm certainly willing to consider it again, I'm going to focus on some of the books that are recommended reading when following a Wicca based path, see if I feel it still feels as good as it did when the rituals were performed in the field.

I guess practice might be good too, work towards the general rituals - take what I can from solitary books or adapt group ones. I'm going to re-re-read Scott Cunningham's Wicca and go from there.

The other thing that I had started to consider was the notion of covens. I don't know if I could work within a coven, I think I am too stubborn and independent, but the thought intrigued me and it might be something I'll entertain in the future. If not a coven then certainly check out the moot that's near by, I need some form of connection beyond the internet, I think.

These new notions of mine, however, will help me with another idea I have. I want to plan out and hold some talks on Children of Artemis' SecondLife Sim based on Finding a Path. I wrote an article which I sent to them for their magazine, Witchcraft and Wicca. I don't feel like I know enough on any other subject but I might be able to help on this aspect and to let people know not to jump at one path and hope it fits, but to take the time.  Going back to Wicca just shows that I didn't necessarily take the appropriate time to consider it, or at least didn't have enough experience to think it might be the right path. Either way, I'm looking forward to starting to plan this out. Hopefully these classes will start on SecondLife by mid-September where, hopefully, they will get decent enough feedback to fuel the next part of my plan, but that bit is underwraps for now, and you'll need to wait to find out where I'm going with that.

So, old directions and new directions being head into, this is exciting for me and I'm sure it's just the beginning of what the aftermath of the Gathering has in store for me.