New Beginnings

So New Year is around the corner and now is the time for some resolutions. I've thought about this a bit, vaguely remembering the ones I made last year, not sure just how much I stuck to them to be honest. They were probably the usual crap of losing weight and what have you, I might have had some spirituality based ones but I'm not even sure how much I remember then, it all seems such a long time ago.

I'm getting a head start with them this year, I have been thinking about my goals for next year for a little while now, and I'm not going to call them resolutions because if I call them that I will have failed them by the 2nd January regardless of what my aims were. Though if I've achieved something in the time between 1st January and 31st December then it doesn't count as failing I guess!

My goals for next year, I'm going to leave out the largely personal ones, the reoccurring losing weight one, my hope that I might be able to drive next December or maybe having a different job, who knows. The ones I'll post here are more to do with self.

This year my aim was to develop myself spiritually, and I feel that I have confused myself spiritually more than anything else. I think with the last few months where I seem to have sunk into depression or whatever it was that was causing a funk my spirituality has taken a back seat almost. I didn't go to Witchfest in November like the last two years, it always gives me a boost and a bit of a kick up the arse, and I don't think that's really helped how I've been feeling. I have got a couple of plans up my sleeve to reconnect, and hopefully to improve how I'm feeling too.

Firstly, I'm going to get a camera. I know, huge pagan item that...really natural. What I want to do is to start a Photo Blog, probably on Tumblr, but to go out and photograph nature, to photograph the world around me, document where I've been. The camera on my phone is ok but it's not brilliant, so I want a nice little one that will fit in a pocket in my handbag and be there when I want it to be, to snap a cobweb I've found in the morning due, to snap a bird that's landed close to me, or just a misty morning.

Secondly I want to pick up Llewellyn's Spell-a-Day Almanac. It's not all spells, some of it is just daily devotions, leaving offerings, rituals, occasionally just a snippit of knowledge about a festival you're not aware of on that day. I had one for the past year and kept forgetting where I'd put it, so I didn't get much done with it. But I'm hoping that this time, with enough advanced planning, that I might actually do something with it this year. Something else to keep me connected to my path!

Thirdly, I really want to start to study properly again. How many times have I said that in a blog or forum post I wonder? More times than I could possibly count. I know that I have so many books to read and a course or two that I've got to do. And I'm going to, I am going to set myself a goal of just two pagan related books a month, surely I can do that? Actually, maybe one. 12 books a year would probably cover most of my witchy book case. Provided I manage to refrain from buying any more in between. I started a course through Order of Ovates Bards and Druids too and I'd quite like to be able to finish able to this next year. Means I'm going to have to pull my finger out a bit and do it but I believe I can do it, among everything else.

I know that life is going to get in the way, and I know that I am going to have difficulty somewhere or another with spirituality and not being able to do something or another because of this and that and I really hope I'm not going to get stressed out about it. I would love by the end of next year to be so laid back I'm horizontal instead of being full of anxiety and fear and dread all the time. I'd love it so that I don't jump the second someone from work comes near me with something, so that I don't suddenly panic that I've left the house in a storm and envision all my windows being blown in or somehow I've managed to leave something plugged in which has caused a massive fire somewhere. I'm hoping that study will help me focus my mind and prevent it from wandering constantly. 

I want to practice my crafts, improve with the Tarot, not just one of my decks but the two I have, use my oracle decks more frequently and familiarise myself with those. Pendulums too, now I have three, I'd like to be able to use in different ways to the ways I use them now. Perhaps pick up a new skill, I have a beautiful set of amethyst runes I'm afraid I've barely been near because I've been utterly bewildered with how they work and the ability to learn the symbols. Perhaps something else for the year ahead.

Another thing I'd like to do is have some witchy writing published. I wrote an article for the Witchcraft and Wicca magazine run by Children of Artemis and I hope that I'll be able to write more for them and hopefully have something in the magazine. I might even submit an article or two to the Pagan Dawn and see how that goes! I also want to be able to focus on developing the idea I have for a pagan book that I want to publish someday in the future, although I know it's not going to happen in 2014, I'd like something with it to happen, whether it's research, developing techniques, learning new ones. 

There are more events I want to go to next year, The Artemis Gathering and Witchfest are definitely on my list, regardless of what else is happening, I might see if I can take myself on a trip or two with some other folk to places like Glastonbury, Avebury and Stonehenge.

Lastly, I want to take up meditation. Again, part of the developing myself, helping myself through the anxiety and depression I've been suffering. Help myself to be happy again and focus my life on the tasks that I want to complete and succeed in. Even if it's only 10 minutes a day it's more than what I'm doing now and gives me the chance to have some from of me time, even if the rest of my time is taken away from me.

There is a bit of work to be done before the 1st of January where I start all this, something I'll look at over the course of the weekend and when I get  home, I also plan to take myself away on the 31st December to spend a gift voucher I have for Waterstones and to get my camera. I might even pop into my favourite shop Zen too and see if I can pick up a witchy thing or two (undoubtedly crystals...)

So here's to a happier me for next year, a more spiritual me and hopefully a not too worn out me!

See you in 2014 x

"You told me that I would run if I knew you inside and your mind, my love"

I'm taking a bit of time out from blogging...largely due to me forgetting but that's another issue.

This post isn't about witchy me, it's about me. Pure, honest, open, me.

I'm not sure how to start this without sounding like a teenage emo whose only life issues are that Edward Cullen isn't actually a real person, but that fact alone has already ruined their life more than anyone could possibly imagine.

I've had issues, for years it feels, on and off. It can be little things, paranoia that every time two senior managers go into a meeting, it's about me and how they can find a way to get rid of me. Occasionally I could ignore it, sometimes I would be sat worrying until they came out again. If nothing was said to me, I'd be fine, and there would be nothing to stress about until we got to the next meeting.

I worry about little things, like travel, I need to physically see the tickets to know that they are there. I stop dead if I think anything is missing or wrong and won't move again until that particular anxiety has been calmed. I get stressed if I can't see the tickets or whatever, if I feel that particular aspects are out of my control, I panic.

Recently I feel as if things have stepped up a bit. I spend most of my days worrying that something I've done at work is wrong, or if I pick up on something I've not done properly or simply missed I start panicking and wondering how best to get a new job. I can't be happy outside of work because these things crop into my mind every now and then and can either leave me sleepless, over-thinking things, I can't enjoy weekends or even time off because I fear that something has happened while I've been out of the office and I'll get a message before I leave the next day telling me not to come in. I spent one bank holiday over-thinking one person had said and it completely ruined it.

I've has one such matter on my mind all weekend, it's kept me awake, it left me with a massive tension headache that lasted most of yesterday, and I'm pretty sure that and the combination of a packed train left me feeling claustrophobic to a point I wondered if I could just get off at the next stop and worry about catching a later emptier one.

I worry about money, I never have any because I'm always spending it. I spent it to make me feel a bit happier but it never does. I worry that I'm not going to be able to afford things like Christmas, birthdays, I worry that people don't like what I've given them, or enjoyed time I've spent with them. I feel the need to overcompensate and then worry that that isn't enough and overcompensate some more which makes me feel exhausted.

I spend my time worrying what other people think and equally not giving enough of a shit to do anything about it. This is probably harming me more than anything else. I can't stop eating at the moment, I eat for so many reasons but stress is a large part of it. I'm gaining weight and i'm too scared to stand on the scales and see what the damage is. I know I am probably heavier now than I have been, but I'm not sure I want to do anything about it. Signing up for things to motivate me has failed, I don't know what else I can do to help it.

I can't communicate with people - I can't sit down and talk to people about my problems because I'm not a sitting down and talking kind of person. I write. If I am asked something about what I think to anything, I'll generally agree with the consensus. If I was asked what I thought about something online by email, on Facebook, I'd probably argue until I was blue in the face. I worry that I don't sound intelligent enough to put my point across, or that someone will ask me something challenging that I can't answer or can't work my way around. Here I can edit, I can change words or look them up if it's something I feel is right but I'm not sure of the meaning.

I rarely feel happy anymore, I take my pleasures where I can find them. Whether it's buying something I really really don't need, or if it's eating another bar of chocolate. I listen to music, usually stuff that I connect with these days, I rarely listen to anything new. I think Bitter Ruin and the new Ayreon are going to be the only albums of bands I like I've really listened to properly in the last year.

I've stopped reading - and this is a real kicker for me. Books are everything to me. I love diving into worlds that I can learn about and forget about the real world. I can count the books I have read since August on one hand. My lack of interest in pretty much anything is hurting me more than I can say. I don't really know how I spend my weeks anymore. Admittedly I've watched more TV which has filled a gap but with one series ended and another not that far away what do I do then? I can't stay focused on anything because I'm too busy worrying about other things.

Next month I'm down to do National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I've started worrying about things attached to that that may be years down the line or just may not ever happen. I want this to be more than just a "oh I feel like putting myself through hell for a month". I want there to be a product at the end and I want the product to go out there into the world, and I want people to read it, but then I don't know if it's worth all the stress and anxiety I'm pretty sure would go with it.

I just feel that at the moment I'm bumbling along in the world, in my bubble of anxiety and stress, and it's not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere, I'm almost too scared to do anything different because I don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and stress that would go with those new situations. I don't know if I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do.

I feel a bit better getting this down and in writing, I don't know if anyone is going to read this, or comment or whatever. I think I know what I need to do but I'm worried that I won't be taken seriously or that what I'm going through isn't "severe" enough to be considered as anything.

I think some time to myself would be better. I might put the laptop down and turn off Facebook, I'll focus on my novel next month, spend some time thinking about me and try and ignore everything else. I might still blog, if I have difficulties with my writing, or with myself.

I think i should quote something vaguely relevant and profound here. But as I can't think of anything, have a Bitter Ruin song instead.