This lyric for this blog was posted only a few minutes after I decided to write a blog - and it kinda sums everything up for me perfectly.
Of late, I've not been happy. It's more a personal frustration at the fact I am not anywhere near where I'd want to be right now. I'm not in a job that makes me happy and I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain being me. I'm losing interest in the things I love, I've not been reading anywhere near as much as I should be, I've not been doing any of the hobbies I enjoy, making jewellery or painting (well, rarely). I feel I'm repeating things almost word for word from another blog, and I probably am. But once again it's a subject that returns and returns for me.
Also lately, I've felt that my patience is wearing thin. I've been in a group chat for the better part of two years and I've quit that because I was growing weary of all the utter shit that passed for conversation. It was almost like an unending stream of hairdresser small talk about the subjects you couldn't give less of a shit about. Every. Fucking. Day.
And worst of all is these feelings are carrying on into my day to day relationships and I get the feeling that one day I am just going to snap. I don't want to, I'm becoming this grumpy miserable shit I don't want to be.
It's affecting more than just that though, the weight I've lost is piling back on, I'm buying larger sizes and I'm not happy about that and I'm having massive issues with it.
My problem is, I'm cursing the dark. I'm sat complaining and whining about my lot without doing a single thing about it. My candle remains unlit and at this point I don't even know where it is, and the matches are probably still in the shop, waiting to be bought. I don't know how to find find it, or how to even begin.
I've had a couple of kicks up the arse lately. Spiritually, I've had the Morrigan come and basically tell me to fucking get on with it (her words). I think that's an entirely different blog worth of information one day though.
The other thing that's motivated me is something a bit more closer to home. My friend's brother, Matt Bates, passed away on the 28th October. He had a rare form of cancer and was 27 when he died. I didn't know him. We met once in the street while I was with Sarah and sort of said hi to each other and that was it, everything else I know about him came from his blog or from his sister. His death affected me though, small at first, and I spent most of my time feeling sad for his family.
When I was chatting to someone at work about him, who also knew him through a few degrees of separation, we discussed how Matt did what he loved until the end. He was a journalist for a local paper, he recorded an album while he was ill and it was released just after he died. He never gave up hope, he kept doing what he wanted to do, fulfilled his dreams despite what he was going through.
And here's me whinging, with my health, with the ability to do what it is I want to do - I just have to get up, find the candle, then I can light it.
So enough's enough. I'm going to have to push myself to do what it is I want to do, to get out there and find the life that I want to live and want to lead. Find a career that I want to do, find something I love. If it involves education, then I'm going to do it, if it involves spending every moment of my evenings looking for new things to do and try, for jobs, for free courses or ways to find out what it is that makes me happy then so be it.
I'm going to start taking better care of myself. I'm going to start beliving in myself because so many times I have said "I can't do that" and I've gone on to do it. I've stood in front of people this year and given a talk on my beliefs, I've written articles and had 3 articles published in 2 different publications. I've contributed to a book that will be out next year.
So I'm done. I am done being the miserable shit, the one who hates Monday's, the one who goes to a job just for the money. The one who wastes her time at nights doing nothing beneficial at all.
I am fucking capable, and I can fucking do things.
Not only am I going to light that candle, I'm going to light all the candles, there's going to be a veritable bonfire by the time I'm done.